I Like Cheese

Ask me how I feel about skinny jeans

2011-12-07T21:13:00.000-06:00

I am not old. Really. I'm 32. That's not old - heck, it's not even middle age - but it isn't exactly young, either.

I started thinking about this the other day when I read a post by Joshua over at Vive le Nerd, where he complains about young people listening to their music too darn loud. When did I first notice that I wasn't a young whippersnapper anymore?

It was when I first noticed skinny jeans on teenage boys. My first thought was, "Well, those guys are gay." Not "gay" in the derogatory sense it is sometimes used, but simply as a descriptive word for homosexual. Those guys were gay, I thought, and if they had worn those when I was in high school they would have been mocked mercilessly, but I guess times have changed.

I was driving with Mrs. Cheese at the time and I explained my thoughts to her.

"They aren't gay," she said. "At least, they aren't necessarily gay. That's just the way kids dress now."

What the hell?

"Straight kids dress like they are gay?"

"Don't be old. Get with the times."

"Well, I don't like it. Kids dress funny now," I said. "And they better not ride their skateboards on my driveway, if they throw a ball over my fence I'm keeping it. That will teach them."

I'm practicing. Like I told Josh, I am going to be really good at being an old, grumpy guy. Darn kids better stay out of my yard.

I'm not the only one who doesn't like skinny jeans. Of course, I don't think the fellows at BYU would say, "that shit doesn't fly around here."

Paul has a package for you

2011-12-06T11:18:00.002-06:00

Paul Blanchard has a blog named Dog in the Water Pipe.

It is funny, in a dry sort of British way. If you squint your eyes and cock your head and maybe drink some Scotch beforehand, then it is hilarious.

My mental image of Paul Blanchard.

Yet he seems to have few readers. This could possibly be because Paul is a lazy bastard who wrote nothing for months at a time, and now that he seems to be cranking out posts on a regular basis his old readers just haven't gotten back into the habit of reading and posting comments, but I doubt it.

I think he has fewer readers than he should because while I have recognized his genius, the rest of the world has less experience with recognizing genius (it's easy when all you have to do is look in the mirror), and therefore it does not know it should be fawning all over him and trying to get his autograph and into his pants.

Therefore, this post is dedicated to telling you people that you should be reading Paul's stuff. A recent post of his you should check out is about receiving a package delivery. It is pretty representative of his writing. Read it. Because I told you to, that's why.

Post over.

The Debut of IHTOOSSWANM and Zombie Doug Cheese

2011-12-03T08:30:00.003-06:00

The debut of "In-His-Thirties, Out-of-Shape Stickman With a Ninja Mask."

Just remember people, you saw it here first.

Also on the menu today, I should tell you that LaughingMom is on a bit of a zombie kick. After scarring my psyche for life with her Zombie Kitty, she made up for it by drawing Zombie Doug Cheese, the walking dead stickman, and posting it on Twitter.


Notice the invisible clothing. A nice touch.

Apparently, Zombie Doug does not wear glasses because zombies don't need glasses, right? They just walk around bumping into stuff. Wait, maybe all zombies need glasses, but I won't tell them if you don't.

Who knows, this guy might make an appearance in the comic one day. And no, LaughingMom will not share in the proceeds if it takes off commercially, although I promise I will think of her fondly.

But who will write the book based on the movie?

2011-12-01T10:49:00.001-06:00

I present to you, the ILC audience, a sneak preview of the next great superhero, hopefully soon to be released as a comic book, then as a major motion picture, then as a novelization based on the screenplay of the motion picture.

Brownback vs the Liar-Pants

2011-11-28T16:54:00.001-06:00

I'm all for free speech. Heck, I'll even support someone's right to yell fire in a crowded theater, although I do reserve the right to punch the guy in the stomach and to take the $12 out of his wallet that he owes me for ruining my movie-going experience. And if someone gets hurt... well, probably a lot more than a stomach punch is going to even things out.

This thing with the girl who tweeted about Sam Brownback, though, is a little ridiculous as a rallying point for first-amendment rights. The story, for those of you who don't know it:

Emma Sullivan (@emmakate988), 18, who lives in a suburb of Kansas City, Kansas, visited Topeka on a school trip. While there she tweeted, "Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot."

#heblowsalot. This girl makes a valid political point.

The tweet was false. She did not make mean comments to Brownback. She did not tell him, in person, that he sucked. He might, in fact, blow a lot, but sweet, innocent Emma probably has no first-hand knowledge of this. She was just blowing smoke up Twitter's collective ass.

This would probably be the end of the story, but Brownback's staffers found the tweet and tattled to the leaders of the school program making the trip. Emma was sent to the principal, who told her she was a bad girl and needed to apologize. Emma refused.

Send in the yahoos.

How dare Brownback try to restrict her right to free speech? He is a meaniehead. A neo-conservative who picks on little girls. Blah. Blah. And Blah. Let's protest.

And now we have things like this:

From PolitiFap

The flap was such that today, Monday, Sammy Boy issued an apology himself.

“My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize,” he said. “Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms.”

All well and good, I suppose. After all, tattling to teachers for an innocent comment seems a little excessive. But how about an apology from Little Emma? Not to Brownback, he is a politician and a public figure and needs to be told on a regular basis that he sucks, so as to not swell his head, but an apology to her Twitter followers is in order. After all, she lied. Emma did not tell Sam that he sucks, no matter how much she was thinking it.

Please note, I am not saying Emma doesn't have a first-amendment right to be a liar-pants, I'm just saying maybe should should own up to the fact that this mess she caused was based on a lie.

And as for those folks out there quick to jump on this bandwagon against the big, bad government man trying to restrict someone's right to speak, they should think about the fact that their poster child is a fibber, and that she should probably sit in a corner and think about what she did. She is not exactly a role model.

***Personal note***

I met Sam Brownback in 2002 when he was a U.S. Sentor representing Kansas. I was a reporter for a small daily newspaper in northwest Kansas, and at the last minute I was sent to cover a meeting he was holding with a few notables from the area. I had absolutely no idea who the guy was. I didn't follow politics (apart from the workings of the town council), and while I knew his title at the time was "Senator," I didn't realize it was prefaced with "U.S." instead of "state". I thought he was a local farmer who served part-time in the state senate, and since the assignment was dumped on me with no time to prepare, I didn't do the usual research.

After the meeting, Brownback cornered me and asked if I had any questions for him. I should have been overjoyed. Here was a U.S. Senator requesting a personal interview! Instead I said, "No, thanks. I think I have everything I need."

My editor was not happy with me.

Well, that was a waste of money

2011-11-22T11:18:00.001-06:00

*Cheddar cheese prices climbed 53 percent this year (sfgate.com)

Not good. Why did I pay that membership fee to join the Illuminati if they can't even provide me with decently priced cheese?

Campaign for Mortgage Reduction

2011-11-16T15:58:00.000-06:00

Junk e-mail is always fun. The other day I got one from someone claiming to represent a "well-respected TV and satellite provider." She claimed to be interested in buying ad space on this silly blog. I, of course, offered two backlinks for the piddly price of one hundred gajillion dollars, but indicated I was willing to negotiate. I have yet to hear back from Joanna.

Scammy letters are a blast. I'm not sure what the scam was on this one, but the blatantly obvious Prince-of-Nigeria-esque letters are fun, too. What I don't like are the ones that just flat-out ask for money.

As you may or may not know, I'm a Libertarian. I don't talk about it much. It's not that I am ashamed of it or afraid of being ostracized, it's just that I have more important things to write about, like how I updated my site or how some lady on BlogCatalog was picking on me. Plus, I don't really care that much.

When I was younger I was deeply interested in politics and constitutional rights and the power of government and all that, but that was before diapers and a mortgage and the Herculean effort involved in paying all the bills on time. I still like to read political news and I have my opinions on the Topics of the Day, but I don't take it as personally as I used to. My support of the LP (that's the Libertarian Party for the uninitiated) is more like throwing a little sand in the face of the political system than it is any serious effort to change it. I still agree with most of the principles of the party - I just don't care enough to actually do anything about it.

Basically, I pay my 25 bucks per year and that's the end of it. Except for the fact that I gave them my e-mail address, and they insist on filling up my in-box. Sometimes I read the newsletters; usually I don't. Today, though, something about it caught my eye and I am stealing their idea for my own.

It read, "Urgent help needed for new LPHQ building."

For your convenience, I attach it here:

To summarize, they want LP members to send money so they can buy a headquarters building. What a wonderful idea!

I am now officially launching a campaign (different from my indifferent bid for the presidency) to buy a headquarters for I Like Cheese.

That's right! You can be a part of history. For a small (or large) donation, you can sleep with the well-being and satisfaction that comes from knowing you have helped I Like Cheese secure its place in the world.

And the best part is no search is needed to find the appropriate building. I already have it. My house will do nicely for this venture - the only problem being that it is heavily mortgaged.

Send in your donations and pledges today so we can pay off that pesky mortgage. Together, we can make the world a better place for I Like Cheese. And please, no phony pledges. If you say you are going to send money, send the darn money. I don't have the time to go around being mad at you because you lied to me.

I have not gotten the backing of the LP leadership on this project, and nor do I have an endorsement from Wes Benedict, the executive chairman.

Thank you in advance for your support,

Doug Stephens
Executive Director of I Like Cheese and Stick Figures Everywhere

P.S. With a $100 donation, you will receive an e-mail from me personally thanking you.

Woah, man!

2011-11-10T14:59:00.001-06:00

Whoa, indeed.

I've made a couple of changes to the site recently, if you hadn't noticed. First, I added a new "Best Blogs Ever" page so I would have a place to put my favorite blogs (other my own). Why did I need a new page? Because the feed I had on the sidebar was taking too long to load and was starting to irritate me.

If you were on the list, please don't get upset with me. You are still here. Somewhere. Maybe one day someone will click on that link. I hope to write some descriptions of the sites listed, and maybe some original pictures, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

I also added a link to the brand new official home of the I Like Cheese Comic. Nothing but stickman comics, all day, every day. Please try not to get too enthusiastic - I have very little new material up there yet. Eventually, all my new comics will go there, and most of the old stuff should show up, too.

The "About Me" page got an update, too. Just some contact information and a few links. Nothing exciting, so don't feel bad if you don't feel like clicking that link.

Let's see, what else? I'm sure you've noticed the Twitter thingamajig over there (I'm on Twitter now. Yea.), and finally the spiffy original artwork at the top right takes you to FARNC, of which I am a contributing member. Take a look at it someday if you are terminally bored and enjoy inanity. I assume that is most of you who are here intentionally meet that criteria, so there is no excuse not to wander over there.

That's pretty much it, I think.

Oh, and I was going to tell you about drawastickman.com. It's actually a neat way to spend ten minutes, if you get past the fact that I'm trying to claim a trademark on all stick figures everywhere. How dare they try to horn in on my racket?

She's a Fully-Loaded Freaky Mean Girl

2011-11-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time it was possible to feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. She became rich and famous early in life, and I'm pretty sure I would have acted stupidly if I had been rich and famous at her age.

I acted stupidly without her resources, actually.

Now, though, after receiving 532 chances to curb her excesses and wayward ways, she is still doing her best to thumb her nose at the rest of the world in general and the criminal system in particular. Therefore I pronounce her fair game, and present to you the "I Like Cheese Look Into the Future to See What Lindsay Will Be Like in 2020."

I really need to come up with better titles for my stuff.

The five minute Halloween post

2011-10-31T07:41:00.000-05:00

I am not above using recycled material. Especially when I haven't posted in a while. And when work and family stuff is threatening to take up all of my waking hours for the week.

Anyway, today is Halloween. I'm not much of a Halloween guy, but I won't bore you with the details. I did that last year. Instead, I will give you my favorite Halloween demotivational poster, which I also created last year. Hey, no one said I had to be consistent.

Hopefully I can catch up on the blogging thing soon. But I wouldn't count on it. Sorry about that. Stupid real world.

Random facts

2011-10-24T12:35:00.000-05:00

Fact #1 - This blog/comic thing I do is called "I Like Cheese," but I have never used the term "turophile."

Fact #2 - George Takei knows the word "doucebag."

Fact #3 - The top ten search terms which lead people here include weird monkey (#6), retards (#9), Moldova (#2), and flying Delorean (#8).

Sorry, no retards.

Fact #4 - The dome of the Texas capitol building stands seven feet higher than the one in Washington, D.C.

Fact #5 - My middle name is Louis. As if I weren't dorky enough.

Fact #6 - According to a badly written site, "Optimists live longer and have lower overall death rates than strong pessimists," (number 12 on its list). I thought the world death rate was 1 to 1 - one death for every life - but I am glad to be wrong. There are immortal optimists running around out there!

Fact #7- DeLorean is planning on selling an electric version of the car by 2013. May I borrow $90,000? Actually, forget the loan. Give me $90,000 for an electric Delorean, please. I will mention you in a future blog post, so it's totally worth it.

Fact #8 - This was not as good an idea for a post as originally thought.

Why can't they just call it a pound sign?

2011-10-20T11:03:00.000-05:00

I finally joined Twitter. I'd been resisting for awhile - ever since I heard of it, in fact. I resisted Facebook at the beginning, though, and my mom tells me I resisted potty-training too, but those seem to be working out so I thought I would give it a try.

Really, I just wanted to use the pound signs that they show on TV shows now.

#NCIS #HIMYM

Except they aren't called pound signs. They are hash tags. And no, I don't know why. I just signed up for this stuff, remember?

My first message was tagged NCIS, and I said something about how Gibbs should go for this latest red-head chick. Silly, I know, and nothing world-shattering, but I don't care. This is my first message. It is allowed to be inane.

Immediately I have one follower. Twitter is awesome.

I make a few more comments - one about How I Met Your Mother and one about this blog.

I lost my follower. Twitter sucks.

What noise DOES a giraffe make?

2011-10-18T20:59:00.001-05:00

Picture-book time at the Stephens household:

I hope you like the picture on your Blogger profile

2011-10-16T20:51:00.003-05:00

A couple of the blogs I follow closely, Nuclearheadache and Atypical Read, recently put up posts talking about, among other things, blogging and the relationships it creates. I've been thinking about that and, as I mentioned to Bryan "Gives Me a Headache" White, the fact that this blogging thing is much more interactive than I imagined when I started.

Before I started putting my awesomeness out there for the world to judge, I knew very little about web logging. I'd never heard of search engine optimization. I didn't read any other blogs, and I didn't know there were forums and sites dedicated solely to people who do this sort of thing.

When I first realized that putting up posts was fun but having people reading the darn things would be even better, I did some research and joined all sorts of groups and programs and syndication-y stuff: BlogUpp, Zimbio, YouSayToo, BlogCatalog, NetworkedBlogs, Blogged, BlogTopSites, ExposeYourBlog, etc.

Some of these got me more traffic than others, but often when someone came to see me and my little stick figures, it was a "one and done" type thing. Very few ever came back for a second helping of Doug loving. I felt cheap and used.

However, in the process of trying to get people to visit me I ended up looking at some other blogs. Sometimes I would leave a comment. And sometimes those people would follow my comment back to me and comment on MY stuff.

This was awesome.

So I started looking for more blogs to leave comments at. Even more people came to visit me. I had cracked the secret of blogging! You can't just post and wait for people to come tell you how great you are, you have to visit other people and tell them how great they are. Or at least tell them what you think of their posts. Sometimes a simple, "Your blog kind of sucks. Mine is much better, but that's probably because I'm not inbred," works, but I will be careful before using that approach again. More about The Poopeater in a bit.

As a result, I can tell you how most of my commenters found me. Not all, because I have been doing this for a little while now and there are quite a few links which lead back to here, but most.

As an example, let's look at those who commented on my last post.

Here are eleven of the twelve people who commented so far. Brent put in his two cents after I made this particular chart, so he isn't included - just the cool kids.

I can tell you how almost all of them found me. I know you are dying to know. Ready?

First we start with Charles Emerson III. He didn't feel the need to comment this time, but he is connected to the story. Here is Charles:

He often walks around with no shirt on. Sorry about that.

His blog, which used to be mostly about putting foreign substances on his testicles, but is now mostly about his new-found love of humankind, was picked as a Blog of Note. That's how I found him.

-As an aside, he was recently BONed again. How fair is that?-

-As another aside, his new spirituality [for lack of a better term] makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes, but I was perfectly happy with stories of mayonnaise on his nuts. I wonder what that says about me?-

One day I wrote Charles an e-mail and he never answered. I don't remember what it was about, but I'm sure it seemed important at the time. In response to his slight, I challenged him to a duel. This was a blatant publicity stunt on my part, because I'm pretty sure I had about 20 followers at the time, and he had about 500. It worked, as he accepted the challenge (although he later wussed out and defaulted), and he ended up sending some readers my way.

One of them was Chanel.

Chanel also didn't leave me a comment on the last post, but I forgive her. She is pretty busy, you know, with having to find her shoes glued to the ceiling and everything.

So here's the connection so far.

Candice also found me because of the duel, although it might have been one step removed. I don't know if she followed the link from Charles's blog, or if she found me when Chanel gave me my very first award for being my spectacular self, but I do know she showed up around this time period. Candice is a pretty awesome lady. So awesome, in fact, she is going to be my vice-president when I am become POTUS. Candice actually did comment last post. See? I told you this was all connected.

Through Chanel I was also found by Brent. He is an English teacher, but I try not to hold it against him.

Then came Charlie. He also came through the Chanel connection, I think, although he is also Brent's brother-in-law. Charlie draws cartoons almost as good as my comics. If he keeps trying one day he will be even closer to being as good as me.

Recently, Charlie included me in a BlogFest thing. Basically, he said I am one of the four greatest blog writers in the history of the Internet (he also named Brent and Chanel). Far be it from me to argue with him, at least for the Brent and Chanel parts. Honestly, I was honored that he mentioned I Like Cheese at all, let alone the praise he threw my way - enough to praise to get several other bloggers to head in my direction, such as Lydia and Michael.

Matthew, the one with the Yoda avatar, was a host of the BlogFest. I left a comment on his blog after following a link Charlie left, and he came back to reciprocate. Such a considerate man.

Then we have Joshua. He was one of Matthew's BlogFest picks, and I decided to check it out.With a blog named "Vive le Nerd" how could I not? He seems to be a pretty funny guy, and I decided to follow him despite the fact that he likes figure skating.

So now with Joshua we have this:

The links from Joshua to myself are: Doug-Charles-Chanel-Charlie-Matthew-Joshua. It isn't quite seven degrees, but we can't all be Kevin Bacon.

We aren't done yet. Sorry about that. Go ahead and take a break. Here's a dog with a mustache to hold you over until you come back.

Everything is funnier with a mustache

Alrighty, we still have five commenters left. One was Darev, a man who voluntarily goes to prison every day, and a man with a very dry sense of humor. He is just one man, though. He writes "Attitude and Pepper Spray."

Darev is a steel rhino. I don't know why.

Darev found me through Bryan, who found me when I was spamming up the NetworkedBlogs discussion boards. Bryan neglected to comment on the last post, possibly because it included that picture of him from his cross-dressing stripper days, but he can normally be found around here, and I'm often over at his place, putting my dirty shoes up on his furniture and emptying out his fridge. Okay, not literally, but we do follow the other's blog, and he's one of my fellow lunatics at The Farncside.

I'm not sure how Byan and Darev found each other, but I am assuming it was at a Justin Beiber fan club.

Now we have Trooper. His "Dogs and Jeans" was the first blog I followed. His news parodies are fun, and I try not to miss his Demotivational Fridays. He has left me comments only twice, although he did once give me a Crazy-Like-Sheen Award. I found him through BlogUpp, which I don't use anymore because I felt it was cluttering up my site without giving me any results. The only thing it did for me, in fact, was bring me closer to a crazy Canadian named Trooper.

That just leaves Tony, Laughingmom and Poopeater. I have no idea how the first two came across my silly-ass blog. They've both been leaving comments off-and-on for awhile, and I check out their stuff when I get the chance. Both are extremely funny. I probably should read them more often.

As for Poopeater, self-named so because his site is literally about eating poop, I know exactly where he came from. You know the joke, "Your mom is so ugly ___________ (fill in the blank)?"

I think the guy may be mentally disabled. He's been stalking me for awhile. If I end up dead in a ditch with a mysterious brand on my forehead, I ask that you please send the police to him for questioning.

And that's everybody.

That was probably much more in-depth than you cared to know, but I wanted to show how blogging is more than just posting material, at least for me and most of the bloggers I read. We know our readers, and we are often their readers. We get to know each other, as much or as little as we feel comfortable sharing over the Internet, and we end up caring about them. What other method of publication can say that?

Thank you, my readers, for coming to see what I have to say (except you, Poopeater), whether you do it frequently or just once in a blue moon, and thank you for sharing your thoughts, theories, and silly drawings on your own blogs. Blogging is my only real hobby, and my greatest escape from the world, and you people make it possible.

"Its" and "it's" with JFK, Stalin and Strippers

2011-10-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

Continuing the JFK, Stalin, and Strippers saga:

Buy this book or you are a stupidhead

2011-10-09T15:05:00.002-05:00

A guy who reads this blog published a book. Imagine that. How does someone who reads my drivel have the time and ambition to do something that productive?

Here is the Amazon description of the book:

blah blah TEENAGE BOY. blah blah blah TEENAGE GIRL. blah blah blah blah blah TWO WORLDS WILL BE ENDANGERED. blah blah blah blah MULTIPLE UNIVERSES. Blah blah blah.

There were more words in there, several of them multi-syllabled, but, really, that’s all you need to know. With that description either you want this book in your hands as soon as possible, or you are rolling your eyes and making mental comments about dorks in general and dorky books in particular. Although it might help you to know there will be single or multiple instances of dragons somewhere in the story, and a kinky white bodysuit which enables some serious bio-computer interfacing.

Personally, I like this cover better than the "official" version.

In an exclusive (not counting the bits he did for Candice and Brent and who knows where else) interview, I have managed to talk with the author. The text of that interview follows.

E-mail interview with Charlie Pulsipher, author of The Crystal Bridge. Or to use his authorly name, Charles M. Pulsipher. Personally, “Charles” seems a little pompous, but I guess you can get away with that if you are a big author man. And no, I am not jealous. What makes you think I am jealous?

Doug Stephens: I'm not sure if this is an e-mail you actually use, or if it serves as a spam filter, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

Charlie Pulsipher: Good shot. I don't have a spam filter email. This is the one I created as a bright-eyed teen when the Internet was new and shiny. Okay, fine, I wasn't a teen. I was twenty-one.

DS: Do you want to give me an interview to promote your book? I used to be a newspaper reporter, and I actually did a few author interviews way back when, but this will be nothing nearly as professional or sedate.

CP: I'm not sure if the interview has started, but I'm pretty sure you made most of that up.

DS: How do you manage to drag yourself out of bed every morning knowing that your artwork on Notice Your World is nowhere near as good as the stick-figure masterpieces on I Like Cheese?

CP: It is difficult, but that's what life is like. You aspire to be as good someone who is so obviously out of your league. It hurts, but it also keeps me going. Someday I may come close to the awesomtasticalness that is I Like Cheeses stickmen.

DS: Give me three reasons why Justin Timberlake is a douchebag.

CP: First of all, what's that last name? Tinber-lake. Lakes don't fall down. There's no need to say "timber".

Second, his face. Can you or can you not grow a beard, dude?

Third, boy band. I don't need to say anything more.

DS: That being the case, why do you still have a crush on him?

CP: First, the name. Justin Timberlake, Justin Timberlake, Justin Timberlake. Do you hear how it just rolls of the tongue.

Second, his face. It's like manly sandpaper.

Third, boy band...no, that one still bugs me.

DS: When was the last time you wet the bed?

CP: Um...I'm a little sensitive about that. Can we move on to another.

DS: If you were to invent a mind-altering substance, what would you name it?

CP: Pyroclastia. I don't know why. It just came to me. Sounds dangerous and explosive, doesn't it? Where can I get some?

DS: Please describe, in detail, the technical developments which led to the Industrial Revolution and how their impact still affects today's world.

CP: Uh...I Like Cheese. Did I mention I was a Biochemist major who switched to English?

DS: Which are funnier, fart jokes or poop jokes?

CP: Really funny jokes are only somewhat disgusting. When you fall into full-blown repulsion, people stop laughing. It's a fine line, one that farts walk very well. Though farts don't really walk. I've had walk-farts, but not farts that walk.

Charlie’s, excuse me, Charles’s, book is available on-line or in print at the following fine retailers:

Amazon Kindle

Amazon Print

Nook

Do the guy a favor and buy a copy or three. Otherwise he might have to get a job or sell plasma or something.

Peace and Love through Automobile

2011-10-07T18:48:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time there was a TV called Silver Spoons. Ricky Schroeder was in it.

Gary was not in the show. FYI.

I watched it when I was a kid. It wasn't the best show in the world, but it was a nice and comforting. I don't remember much about it except that it was about a rich kid, sort of a mini-Alex Keaton who really had the money, and his dad, who was an unreformed, yet rich, hippie.

There is only one episode from which I remember any details. The dad decided he needed to grow up, probably because of some love interest, and he talked about taking down the big peace sign on the wall.

Ricky Schroeder turned to look at the wall, looked back at his dad and said, "I always that that was a Mercedes symbol."

For some reason that scene has stayed with me for the past twenty-something years. Weird.

That's it. Oh, did you think there was going to be a point to this story? What blog have you been reading?

The name is Cheese. Doug Cheese.

2011-10-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

I write this post from the hospital.

Hospitals suck.

Even Texas Children's Hospital, which provides excellent care. No matter how efficient and friendly the staff (except for you, grouchy front-desk lady on the 12th floor), it is still a hospital, and nothing makes you forget the only reason you are here is because your child is sick.

In this case it is more precautionary than anything else. Stinky Cheese has a cold and was having trouble keeping down his food. Because he has a genetic metabolic condition called GA-1, this is more serious than it would be in most children, so he has spent the past 24 hours here on the good ol' 12th floor for observation.

All this being so, the video my sister-in-law made for me catches me in a receptive mood for distraction. It is an awesome video. It depicts me as a secret agent, and names this blog. I mean, seriously, how cool is that?

Aside from the work she did adding my profile to James Bond's famous opening scene, I also owe her and her fiance a much bigger debt. Today at the hospital I realized I was out of cigarettes, and said if someone would bring me a new pack I would start a new religion to worship him. They then brought me my Kools, and now I am obligated. So here goes:

So there we go. A hospital visit. A video with my handsome face. A new religion. This has been one heck of a post.

Learning from JFK, Stalin, and Strippers

2011-09-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

Learning can come from anywhere. The other day I ran across a grammar lesson on the proper use of "your and "you're." I asked the author for permission to re-post it, and since I got no response I am choosing to interpret that as acceptance.

From Coffee & Zombie Movies

Apparently there is some sort of JFK, Stalin, and Stripper meme, because that graphic was a response to this:

I can't find the source of this, but it appeared at The Gloss.

I sent the Oxford comma lesson to Brent, an English teacher, on Facebook, because I thought he might get a kick out of it, but I can't tell you if he liked it or not. He never responded. Jerk.

I like these graphics, and far be it from me not to jump on a bandwagon, so here is the I Like Cheese lesson on double negatives.

Guide to being my "friend"

2011-09-22T16:30:00.000-05:00

Facebook is that place where I bother people with spam messages about this blog. Also, I post baby pictures. Like this one:

However, if for some reason you want to be my friend there, there are certain standards I have to apply. And to make it fair, I am publicly posting the guidelines.

Yes, you read that right. Kirsten Dunst can be my facebook friend if she wants. Mrs. Cheese said it is okay.

I should be getting an invite any day now.

So there you go. The official guide to being Doug Stephens's facebook friend. Just what you always wanted to know.

However, if for some reason you don't fit into any of the acceptable categories and still want to interact with me on The Book, don't feel left out. I know I'm just about the hottest commodity on the web, and everyone wants a piece of me. You can always feel free to join the I Like Cheese Comic fan page. They'll take anyone over there.

Heck, I even let me join.

The Star Wars vs. Star Trek comic

2011-09-19T13:18:00.001-05:00

Comic #2 in my new series of "Sci-Fi (not SyFy) Heads on Stick Bodies Acting Badly. Comic #1 featured R2D2 and the Annoying One.

I Like Cheese Comic - Did they ever find those droids?

2011-09-13T20:10:00.001-05:00

This is a follow-up to "Were those the droids we were looking for?" which is my most-visited post. Who am I to argue with success?

Overloading the Internet with quality

2011-09-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

Here at the Float Your Own Boat Department:

I would like to announce that a Google image search for I Like Cheese Comic produces pages of stick-figure goodness.

That is all.

Somnus Diem

2011-09-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

That's Latin, people.

Whether it is correct and proper Latin I couldn't tell you. I've never taken a Latin class. I've read science fiction stories about Roman legions transported to alien worlds, though, so in some circles that would make me an expert on all things Latin-y. Those would be very small circles filled with people even more ignorant than me, but they are still circles.

My Latin is limited to such gems as "et cetera," "Q.E.D," which I use incorrectly, and "decimate." Actually, I don't know if decimate is Latin or just an English word with Latin roots, but I know the word. It does not mean "demolished completely," "destroyed," or "wiped out," even though that is how it is normally used. A group which has been decimated in combat means one out of ten troops has been killed. That's ten percent, folks. That still leaves a grouping of pissed off soldiers at ninety-percent efficiency. That's a little different than "wiped out."

Use the word correctly or I will hunt you down and do unpleasant things to you. But I digress.

Somnus Diem. I've stolen the phrase from fellow farncsider Bryan White. That's what the Internet is for, right? Stealing ideas and making them your own? I saw his post on the subject a while back, after apparently coining the phrase himself, and I was enamored with the idea of a sleep day. Carpe-ing a sleep day seems like a pretty good idea about now.

Not for myself, necessarily. For all you grumpy, pissed-off, driving-like-idiots-on-speed, rude-ass people out there I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Go home. Take a nap. When you are feeling civilized again, then I will deal with you.

So I am proposing another holiday, like my American Heritage Day. We can call is Sleep Day, if Somnus Diem is too much for you. This could be a national event. Or at least a Houston-wide event. Sorry, everyone else, but to be honest I really don't care about you. It isn't your grouchy selves I have to put up with. I'm not saying a Sleep Day wouldn't be beneficial for, say, Pittsburgh, but I don't live in Pittsburgh so I don't care. You Houston people, though, are a surly bunch and could used the downtime.

You need a day to forget the alarm clock. Not worry about the lawn or the laundry. Forget about the bills, and work, and all the little stresses in your lives. Just prop your feet up, recline and close your eyes. If you don't have a recliner, don't even bother getting out of bed. Not even the TV should be playing on Sleep Day, folks. This isn't an opportunity for you to catch up on all the episodes of "Sex and the City" you missed. This day is about sleep.

And the day is mandatory. Too many of you would cheat, doing housework, thinking of new ways to annoy me, or getting a jump on that project at work, and where is the stress relief in that? This day is about sleeping away your problems so you will be easier for me to deal with, therefore no exceptions can be made.

Realize that if you are sleep-deprived and cranky, you are creating a terrible world for our children. Future generations depend on implementing this day. I can't speak for the future of our world if we fail to do so.

That's right, the fate of the world is riding on this. That's how vital this is. I don't know about you, but saving the world seems pretty important to me.

So, please, let us have a day of sleep, Houston. Remember, only YOU can prevent us from having a Sleep Day.

Thank you for listening, and good night.

Leave a message

2011-09-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

Would Walt Approve of This?

2011-08-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

The following is brought to you via Mrs. Christina Cheese. She found it on a shopping trip to Target and named this picture "Transvestite Belle."

Belle would be very happy if you would please take a drink.

Also from the camera of Mrs. Cheese, I bring you "Doug standing really close to work being done, yet somehow still managing not to do any actual work himself."

Next we have a picture of the child, whose main purpose in life at the moment, besides the sleeping and the pooping, is posing for pictures for Mommy.

The following flowchart was under the "Doug Stuff" folder on the computer desktop, yet I am reasonably sure I did not put it there. Therefore, Christina is the culprit. I know at least one of my readers becomes seriously overstimulated at the sight of a flowchart, and I hope he works his way through the pounding heart and sweaty palms without a stroke or something.

That's actually not a bad song. Plus Olivia Newton John gets to wear those pants.

For the record, I would like to state I am not happy there is a "Doug Stuff" folder on the computer. This seems to imply that everything else on the computer is not Doug stuff, and that maybe I shouldn't be messing with it.

Finally, to round out a post that seems to have wandered aimlessly, I would like to re-publish the only I Like Cheese Comic Christina has drawn.

Okay. That sort of thing makes the segregated Doug folder seem a less important. Slightly, anyway.

What is the "crawl-sit," you ask?

2011-08-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

My son, the innovator that he is, decided regular crawling isn't good enough for him. He much prefers the flop-sit-turn-flop method. I have dubbed it "The Crawl-Sit."

Because everyone loves to watch videos of other peoples' babies, I hereby present you a video of my baby performing the crawl-sit.

And here, from another angle, is the crawl-sit.

You are welcome.

My impersonation of a tree

2011-08-05T00:03:00.001-05:00

Babies don't really go for subtle humor. This is more my brand of comedy lately:

This guy scanned in the photo, but I don't think he owns the rights any more than I do.

I play all three (or six) stooges.

Party is at 8 - bring your own air freshener

2011-08-02T21:01:00.003-05:00

Eating, taken at its most basic level, is nothing more than ingesting matter to keep your body running. Your body takes all those calories and proteins and fats and sugars and processes them. Biologically, that is all there is to eating.

Most cultures, however, make a big deal about "breaking bread." Eating becomes a social occasion. People celebrate achievements by going out to eat. When the extended family gets together we eat a big meal in the dining room with the fancy silverware. We serve food at wakes. We bond as a family over a home-cooked meal. And when we go a-visiting it seems we always end up in the kitchen.

Some would call this artAt the other end, defecation is nothing that the removal of matter our body cannot process. Biologically, it is nothing more. But pooping is a somewhat taboo subject in most cultures. We have our "bathroom humor." We don't often relate what we do on the toilet, and when we do it is either done uncomfortably or to get a reaction. This is something done in private, with the door closed and possibly locked. We just don't like to talk about poop. It's negative associations permeate our society so much that sometimes it is hard to potty-train our children. Some genius had to write the book "Everyone Poops," (Everyone Poos, in Britain) just to tell our children it is okay to do what comes naturally.

Really, though, pooping and eating are two different parts of the same process. Food goes in. Food goes out. Logically, there is no reason that they should treated so differently, but you never hear someone yell, "Chew!" when he hits his thumb with a hammer.

I admit, the end-product is usually a bit stinkier than what we eat. But not always. For example, just the smell of quiche activates my gag reflex. And, yes, poop can spread disease, but then so does improper food handling. Believe me, I worked at fast-food restaurants. I know these things. Besides, the FDA says up to 20 maggots per hundred grams of canned mushrooms is acceptable, so eating isn't as wholesome as you might think.

Taking this logically, it makes just as much sense to get together for a group bowel movement as it does going out for dinner when the in-laws come over to visit.

Somehow, I don't think the pooping party is going to catch on.

Biggest jackass in the world

2011-07-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

I found a draft for an I Like Cheese post dated October 2010. Its title was "Biggest jackass in the world." The text was blank. I never published it and I'd forgotten about it.

I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this one. Possibly the guy at the drive-through pissed me off, or someone cut me off in traffic, or maybe I was revved up over a story in the newspaper (yes, I still buy a newspaper sometimes. Usually on my lunch break).

Possibly I was referring to myself. Just ask Mrs. Cheese. Or the guys at work. Or that cashier at Jack in the Box I chewed out last week. You see, I get stressed out sometimes...

Whatever it was, the moment seems to have passed.

A Flickr image

But seeing as how I have this great eye-catching title, I guess I should run with it and make this post all about jackasses and general jackassery.

The definition of the word, courtesy of the urban dictionary is:

The fourth definition of course has me wondering who the heck is Edwin Cruz. A quick Google search reveals the following suspects.

My guess is this guy- he has jackass written all over him.

From dictionary.com (I was surprised the word is actually listed there) we learn that a laughing jackass is another term for kookaburra. Which sounds cool, but it is just a bird.

There is also something named Jackass Mountain. Apparently it is famous or something.

Of course, we can't have a post about jackasses without at least mentioning the movie by the same name. Okay, it's mentioned.

Green Day performed a song named Jackass, as did the Bloodhound Gang, and Beck, just to be different, I suppose, had "Jack-ass."

The Democratic Party has a jackass for its logo. They really might want to consider changing that.

And let us not forget the actual equine jackass, without whom the insult would have little meaning.

Aren't they cute?

And there you have it - a quick tutorial on jackasses.

You know what the best part of this was? I got to use the word "jackass" twenty-one times. But, to be honest, I only giggled about it twice.

I Like Cheese Comic - Warm and Gushy

2011-07-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

Why Justin Timberlake and Paris Hilton Should Never Mate

2011-07-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

After careful study and much research, I have come to the conclusion that combining the DNA of these two individuals would have dire consequences.

Not that Timberlake and Hilton are a couple. Or rumored to be a couple. Or that I would know about it if they were. I'm just saying that, hypothetically, catastrophically bad things would occur if they ever did spawn.

What sort of bad things, you wonder?

I must admit that the offspring of these two probably would not signal the end of the world. They wouldn't cause boiling seas or dinosaur-killers to smash into the Earth. No, we aren't talking about the end of the world, here. The end of civilization, however...

Yes.

The genes of these two must not be allowed to spread into our population, for fear of an Idiocracy-esque society. The sort of world where this is common:

The sort of world where the following cartoon is not only drawn, but where no one catches the geocentric attitude of he who drew it or can point out the obvious fallacy of assuming America is the center of the world.

The sort of society where the next cartoon is not just a joke poking fun at those of us not smarter than fifth graders, but an actual world map.

Where no one will recognize the irony of this sign. Or be able to define irony.

This is what our descendants face in a world populated by the Hilton-Timberlakes.

Am I being to harsh on the hypothetical celebrity couple? You decide.

Quotes from Paris Hilton
"I'm an actress, a brand, a businesswoman. I'm all kinds of stuff."
"What's a soup kitchen?"
"I don't really think, I just walk."
"You don't have to be an heiress to look like one. If you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one."

Justin Timberlake
"I kiss people with my soul. I don't kiss them with my mouth."

He already admitted to being retarded.

And then there are these. Need I say more?

As is blindingly obvious (and yet I have the need to spell it out anyway), there are some people who should not breed with one another. Or at all, for that matter. Unfortunately, we may not be able to stop the spread of these genes completely. As Timberlake once said,

"I have 20,000 girlfriends, all around the world."

But please, people, help me in my crusade against bringing any mutant-offspring of these nitwits into existence. As President I promise to introduce legislation banning this hypothetical pairing.

Remember, Vote For Cheese if you support the forcible sterilization of either Timberlake or Paris Hilton.

Thank you and good night.

Upwardly mobile cheese

2011-06-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

I can't even think of a title

2011-06-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

I saw a comic which I thought was somewhat amusing.

I would credit the comic to the source, but there was phishing software on the site so I figure the image is fair game. EDIT: It appears the actual original source was http://xkcd.com/242/. There seems to be nothing untoward happening there. That other place was just ripping off material and doing naughty things with it.

I liked the format and wanted to do one of my own, but I the best I could think of tonight was this:

I need to get more sleep.

Wipe my memory, will you?

2011-06-21T23:45:00.002-05:00

I need to tell you guys what I did this weekend. You won't believe me (unless you are the type who believes in alien abductions and conspiracies to artificially raise the price of gasoline in order to soften the American public for the inevitable communist takeover), but it is a story worth telling.

I went time traveling.

Seriously.

In February, while I was involved in The Cool Kids Time Travel Club, I signed up with the Time Travel Fund, a group which claims it will invest your membership fee and when it is commercially feasible, and the interest compounds enough, you will be able to retroactively purchase a time-travel ticket. Last week I got an e-mail from them.

Mr. Stephens,

We are sorry to inform you that travel to the future is now and will always be impossible. However, traveling backwards through the time-space continuum is not only possible but way cooler anyway. Please be advised that your trip is scheduled for this weekend, but there is no need to worry about conflicting plans, because you will be returned to your normal space-time the instant you leave it.

We have a list of rules you must follow during your temporal transit period, and failure to follow these rules will result in forfeiture of your membership, a wipe of your memory, and possibly the collapse of the universe. Foremost amongst these rules is this: DO NOT CONTACT ANYONE YOU KNOW IN THE PAST OR ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE FUTURE. A full list of rules will be provided to you once you enter no-time, the transit universe between space times.

We look forward to serving you,

The Time Travel Fund

On Saturday I was whisked away to the past. I think. I'm pretty sure. My memories for all of this weekend are a little blurry, although I do have some isolated recent images that I can't quite place: rafting down a creek, tossing a football with some small children, a bald man in a white coat yelling at me.

From what I can figure, I must have broken the rules.

But I think I know where I went.

When I was about four years old a man stayed with my family for a few days. His name was Steve and he was an old Navy friend of my dad. He also looked a lot like my dad, just with a lighter complexion. All I remember from that visit was tossing a football with him and my brother, and a story my mom tells about me mouthing off to her, and Steve admonishing me to pay attention to my mother. I reacted to him the same way I would have to my dad.

Thinking about it leaves me only one conclusion: I am Steve. That is, Doug from 2011 went back in time and assumed the role of Steve I remember from my childhood.

Point 1 - As far as I know, that was the first and last time this mysterious Navy friend of my dad ever visited us. He just vanished into thin air.

Point 2 - I look very much like my dad, although my complexion is much lighter.

Point 3 - If I were to assume a fake name, that might very have been it. My last name is Stephens, and several of my slower-witted teachers and bosses have called me "Steve."

Point 4 - Many of my mannerisms and tones of voice are the same as my dad. Hence, a young Doug would be could be momentarily confused into thinking an older Doug was actually his father.

Point 5 - If I did travel back and become Steve, that explains the memory fragment of tossing a football, and the house we lived in at the time backed up against a creek, which explains the rafting.

If this is true, the bald scientist guy must have been yelling at me for visiting with my family in the past, and after his tirade he must have wiped my memory.

At this point I am sure you don't believe me. People just don't time travel, no matter how fun an escapist fantasy it may be. I wasn't sure I believed it either, logical or not, but then I found this picture in my wallet today:

Who else but four-year-old Doug would have drawn that?

Disclaimer: Believe as much of this story as you want. I can't stop you.

Just saw Green Lantern

2011-06-20T21:42:00.001-05:00

It kind of sucked.

Doug Cheese the Storyteller

2011-06-14T21:21:00.001-05:00

Seriously, a McFail

2011-06-13T18:58:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time some joker posted a fake picture of a racially discriminating letter on McDonald's letterhead.

This picture has made the Internet rounds, supposedly started on something call the 4chan message board, and then drew a lot of publicity after it appeared on the McServed blog. Click the link if you want to. When I tried all I got was this:

The news services are focusing on the fact that a lot of people believed this letter was genuine. It is not. I called the phone number and was thanked for calling the KFC Customer Satisfaction Hotline. Yahoo news was focusing on how this was a hot trending topic on Twitter, being sent out my millions of folks with the tag "Seriously McDonalds." I don't know exactly what that means, as I never bothered signing up with Twitter and have never sent or read a "tweet," but I know one thing:

People are dumb sometimes and tend to fall for hoaxes. This is not news.

What I want to know is what happened to the McServed blog?

Googling the name, I found this description of the site, "McServed.com is a humor, parody website about fails, funnies and follies at fast food resteraunts (sic) such as McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's..."

Based on the description, it seems this site would be a good place to showcase this letter. I wouldn't know for sure, though, because the site is no longer active.

Something smells rotten.

Did the mighty McDonald's corporation somehow shut down the site? Did they put pressure on the site hosts? Claim copyright infringement? Threaten litigation? I don't know, but it does seem suspicious that the blog is shut down on Monday right after the picture goes viral over the weekend.

If McColonPlug did do any of the above, it would have been nothing but bullying. There was no copyright or trademark infringement. If you look at the description of McServed again, you will see that it is described as a parody site. Parody, as a general rule, does not count as copyright infringement. If it did, Mad Magazine would have been shut down years ago, and Saturday Night Live could never have lasted long enough to bring us the great movies Coneheads, The Ladies Man, and MacGruber (which is a parody and probably should not have been approved by Richard Dean Anderson).

Possibly the worst movie ever

If corporate pressure was brought to bear (and I am just assuming this, mind you) it is a scary forebringer of what can happen to any little guy who writes or posts something the Corporate Meanieheads disagree with. There was not time for a judicial ruling to come down and shut down the site, and certainly no day in court. It appears that the Man stomped all over the parodists' right of expression.

With the most cursory investigation it was apparent the picture was a hoax, so if Ronald McDonald had anything to do with the shutdown, it was an overreaction and a blatantly bad move. After all, if the heirs of Sam Walton can tolerate The People of WalMart, then certainly the burger chain that survived Supersize Me can withstand a simple picture.

I have some good news regarding McServed, though. The main site might be down, but its facebook page is still public. It hasn't been updated since March 23, and there is only one picture, but it is still there.

The Superblog

2011-06-09T22:31:00.068-05:00

Once upon a time five bloggers joined forces in order to . . . actually, I have no idea what the point of the superblog is. We call it Fabulous Atypical Ramblings of Nuclear Cheese.

Yeah, I know.

Called FARNC for short.

Yeah, not any better.

So what is it? It is a superblog. A cooperative effort to . . . again, there is no point. I'm not sure why we do it. Except that it is fun. And some of the stuff those other people come up with is hilarious. Or at least not mind-numbingly boring.

I'm not a big fan of the name. As I told the others, "farnc" sounds like the noise I make when I expel alcohol from my system. My objected was not noted. I suggested the name "Doug and His Peeps." For some reason that didn't go over well.

Then there was the issue of the logo. I spent a lot of time and effort designing a logo on my own.

It was unceremoniously dumped in favor of this:

One of the other members designed this. All five bloggers are represented in the picture (I am the cheese), and obviously this took a little more effort and is better than my design. I suppose. However, I have one small suggestion . . .

As a promotional gag to get people to the new blog, I started a caption contest. The person who submits the winning caption to the picture at the top of this post (the one with the weird monkey thing) will get a dollar. That's right. $1 American. Cash. Moolah. Out of my own pocket. But to win you have to post a comment over at FLARC (that's kind of the point of the contest).

If you do head over there, you might want to consider looking around at a few of the posts. Some of the stuff in there is worth reading. Some is kind of stupid, but what do you expect? It's free. You get what you pay for.

We hope to see you. And welcome you to The FARNCside.

People Who Don't Read My Blog - Reprise

2011-06-05T20:24:00.048-05:00

It's been a while since this feature has graced ILC, and now seems as good a time as any to bring it back. Not a good time - just as good as any.

So here, in no particular order, are people who don't read my blog.

1. Mel Gibson

Mad Max still doesn't come around. I think I've figured out why. You see, my nose is a little on the large side. I've heard that he doesn't approve of that sort of thing.

2. Kung-Fu Panda

Panda thinks this blog is a little too low-brow. Stupid snobby Panda. Jack Black is a huge fan, though.

3. Prince Harry

He's too busy being in love to spend much time on the Internet.

4. Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman is unfortunately too dead to spend much time on the Internet.

5. Creepy Guy from Dazed and Confused.

As for Matthew McConaughey, well, I wouldn't want him around here anyway.

To find more people who don't read this blog, you can look at some old posts, or just open your local white pages. I'm sure you can find one or two people in there. If you want, you can call them at random and ask if they've heard of I Like Cheese. That could be fun, right?

All images from Zimbio, in case you are nosy and wanted to know.

The hilarity continues

2011-06-02T17:24:00.078-05:00

Two hundred posts of hilarity.

Well, two hundred posts, anyway.

Today is a pretty big milestone. Two hundred episodes without being cancelled by the network. After one hundred, syndication is a possibility.

Oh, wait. That's TV, where continued existence is based on results, such as ratings or advertising revenue or some such. A blog, though, is self-published, and I can keep going as long as I feel like spewing my nonsense. So I guess it really isn't a meaningful milestone. It just means I haven't given up yet. So, yea me.

I briefly considered coming up with an original, well-written and witty essay for this post, accompanied by artistic art of the arty sort.

Ha.

Instead I am going to give you a list of crap I've already written. These aren't necessarily the most-viewed posts, or the ones with the best reader response. Instead they are ten of my favorites, and they are a pretty good cross-sample of what I've done here.

In other words, unless you can tolerate my sense of humor, they probably suck.

Out of reverence for the occasion, I provided Doug Cheese over there with some opaque clothing today. I hope you folks appreciate that.

Top 10 I Like Cheese posts (in chronological order)

Blogging is Lame
Yes. Yes it is. Just ask my wife

American English vs. British English
I was trying to be serious. I don't know what you think about it - but I like it.

Why Texas is Better Than Wherever the Heck You Live
This is actually a five-part series. I couldn't get it all in one post. That is how much Texas is better.

I Like Cheese Comic - Peanut Butter
Peanut butter is funny.

A Duel to the Death!
This post led to some of my more constant readers, so it doesn't matter if it stands on its own merits or not, it was an awesome post (although it was pretty cool, if I do say so myself).

...and me
Mrs. Cheese puts her hand in.

I Like Cheese Comic - Cloning
A prime example of Doug humor.

Correspondence between my past and future selves
This one was fun to write. I think that came through.

Because no one else will search for "First date poop stickman"
This is one of those "blogging about blogging" posts, but still fun.

Who is Doug Stephens?
How can I not like this one?

And there we go. I would like to take the opportunity here to thank all you folks who give up some of your free time to see what I have going on here. It is appreciated. Hopefully you and I will be here for at least a few hundred more posts.

Putting on my mask

2011-05-29T22:34:00.042-05:00

Masks- we all wear them.

When I speak to my mother I use different manners and vocabulary than when I talk to the guys at work. My attitude at home is different than at a fancy party, or in a rough neighborhood, or when meeting with a customer. I am still Doug in each of these situations, but a slightly different Doug.

Some folks like to call this hypocrisy. They say that changing your behavior or your actions to meet the demands of the moment is not being true to oneself. I say that it is a necessary social lubricant. Treating a customer like you treat your friends after a few rounds of beers is going to lose you some business, and treating a drinking buddy like a customer is probably going to result in one less person who will buy you beer.

And in some cases, the mask is important.

When I wake up in the morning I am at my most vulnerable. All the daily stresses are scratching at my brain, my insecurities are showing, and I am often angry. Other emotions are probably there as well, but I'm a guy. Being scared or nervous, being a weepy wuss - these aren't options. But anger is acceptable.

In the morning I have no filter. The anger comes through. Sometimes it's a nasty comment to my wife (for which I immediately feel ashamed), and often it's a raging case of Jerkwad Driver. I've been known to cuss out people working the drive-thru because they made me repeat my order, and once I threw a half-empty bottle of Coke at another vehicle because he tossed a banana peel out of his window and bounced it off my windshield.

I didn't just throw the bottle. I pulled up beside him, flipped him the bird, tossed the bottle hard enough to dent his paneling and flipped him off again.

I am not a nice guy in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I can have anger issues at other times of the day, but at those times I am better able to deal with life's little frustrations. I can laugh them off with a joke, mutter and cuss under my breath, or just realize they just aren't that big a deal and ignore them.

Not so much in the morning.

In the morning I need my mask. Too bad it doesn't usually fall into place until I've been awake for a few hours.

Fire demon image from something called Rift.

"Doug Cheese for President" campaign ideas

2011-05-24T07:52:00.002-05:00

Campaign Promise - Free Taco Tuesday

2011-05-22T15:15:00.004-05:00

And the winner is... not the chicken

2011-05-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

That poor chicken. He was run over. Cooked. Molested. Used as a fashion accessory.

You people might need help. Just consider it.

After extensive vote tabulation, made more difficult by allowing you to vote more than once, I am able to announce the winners of the "Supply the punchline because Doug was too lazy to do it his own self" contest.

And the winners are...

(Drum roll please)

(Thank you)

... a tie between Bryan with his wildly inappropriate story of chicken love, and Rachel with her rhyming tale of a selfless bird who sacrificed herself for her fellow creature. And was cooked.

Not surprising results, really. Rachel begged her readers to vote for her (although it was pretty darn good), and as for Bryan's, well, again, you people need help.

They are hereby awarded this award.

That was worth your time, guys, wasn't it?

I am also awarding it to Johann, as his line about the see-through pants almost caused me to run into the car next to me as I was reading his blog on my phone while driving to work. Yes, I do that. I also text and drive. I'm a rebel like that.

Here are the winning entries again for your viewing pleasure:

Bryan

Rachel

Johann

For the rest of you, I'm sorry to say that I don't believe in participation awards. I enjoyed all of them (some more than others, but I'm not blabbing), but not everyone can be a winner. I can, however, leave you with this:

I Hate Cheese

2011-05-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

There were a few late entries to my oh-so-wonderful contest - it's my fault because I advertised on the BlogCatalog discussion board and didn't leave clear enough instructions on how to enter. If they had actually visited my blog (which was the whole purpose of the posting, after all)... but oh, well. I am an attention whore and am just glad they wanted to play along.

So here we go.

Cosmin drew his own comic. Have to love the name he gave it.

"I once saw a chicken crossing the street... to prove (to) her fellow chicken that it is not chicken."

Considering the fact that he lives in Romania and I don't think English is his first language, this isn't bad. My brand of humor, too. The drawing didn't come though too clearly, but as Johann said, these things aren't as easy to draw as they look.

Janene Murphy of Moms are From Mars gave me a punchline on the thread and thought that was good. Again, I sucked at giving directions this time.

And finally Ian from MyTwistNews (I almost didn't want to leave the link because some of his stuff is better than mine - okay, most of his stuff) left me with this, and the disclaimer that if you have to explain it then it isn't funny.

Coq au vin is roughly pronounced "cock oh van"

For all you uncultured barbarians, I give you this picture of the chicken dish for your edification (I didn't know what it was either - I don't cook much and Mrs. Cheese is a vegetarian).

Cock oh van. Soccer mom. Get it?

And there we go. And for the record, not a single chicken was molested this time.

If you missed the other entries, you might want to give them a look. Those, and the three posted today, are a step above my usual silliness. This might be the last time you see a good I Like Cheese comic, because I'm taking the franchise back over as soon as a clear winner emerges.

I don't blame you if you aren't excited.

I once saw a chicken crossing the road

2011-05-15T08:09:00.001-05:00

Here are the entries for the "Finish the Comic" contest.

They were an . . . interesting . . . mix.

The entries break down into three categories.

1. The entrants posted on their own blogs.

2. The entrants left the punchline in my comments or posted the comic on the I Like Cheese Comic Strip facebook fan page.

3. Bryan White

Look these over and vote on your favorites. Don't vote for your own (and that means anonymously too, Scott - I will know it's you) but feel free to vote as many times as you like.

Category One
These entries get extra points straight out of the box because the comics were originally posted on the artists' blogs, thereby risking public ridicule. It ain't easy pimping stick figures.

1. Chanel

2. Johann the Cabbie

Although Johann didn't exactly follow directions, I decided not to take away any points. However, calling me a sissy starts him out at -150.

Category Two

3. DaRev

4. Fruey

5. Scott

6. Rachel

Category Three
Bryan submitted several comics. I hope he has gotten the help he desperately needs.

7.

10.

Category Four
Oh, yeah, there is a fourth category. These are honorary entries. They posted a response on BlogCatalog, but didn't actually visit and comment here. But while they can't win, I liked them enough to include here.

11. Kaja

And finally, to end this post:
12. Tony B.

Plus three late entries.

Vote early and vote often.
Who knows? I might even pay attention to them when I, as sole judge, decide on the winner.

The Hulk, drug dealing and a bunch of signs

2011-05-13T22:30:00.077-05:00

Once upon a time I put up a few posts called "A Day in the Life," which consisted of pictures I took on a regular normal day. I guess I was trying to be artsy or something. On Wednesday I decided to do it again. I took a camera with me to work and got myself psyched up to take some pictures.

I've tried that McDonald's sandwich, by the way. Not good.

This was the first one I took. Not the most exciting shot, but I was just getting warmed up.

Anyway, there I was, driving a route van with one hand and taking pictures out the window with the other (I am nothing if not a safe driver), when I came across this:

Look! Only $1.39 for Everfresh.

The fellow with the red hat had just given what looked like money to the shirtless gentleman, and received something in exchange which he put in his pocket. I can't testify as to what happened, but I have a pretty good idea. There seem to be a lot of transactions on this street corner.

I drove on down the street and looked at the picture. My camera has a spiffy zoom feature. And I noticed that the guy on the bike had seen me taking the picture. And he didn't look happy about it.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that he bore a striking likeness to Lou Ferrigno. The lack of shirt. The too-short pants. The "I just got out of jail" physique. I have a feeling I would not like this guy very much if he was angry.

I drove away very quickly, checking my rear-view mirror obsessively for the next hour for an angry drug-dealer on a bicycle. Happily, I can report I got away safely.

For the rest of the day I was too scared to take pictures of actual people, so here are some pictures of signs. Make sure to play the video while you enjoy.

Liberal sign

Unless you rub her feet first.

Nothing funny about mail boxes. Now "male" boxes. That could be funny. Somehow.

Officer, I thought that sign said "Stop fastening your seatbelts."

Warning: Lots of signs

Okay

Irony. I found some.

That way to... something

Who needs to buy a sign? Spray paint is cheaper and much classier.

And good times were had by all.

Mother's Day at ILC

2011-05-08T20:34:00.003-05:00

First, because I can't just be nice and sincere without at least a token attempt at humor, I give you my Mother's Day Comic from last year.

Second, I am wishing a happy Mommy Day to all the mommies I know. Just those I know, mind you. I'm not watering down my well-wishes by bestowing it on a bunch of strangers.

Third, I give you a video of Baby Cheese and mommy at play. I can't think of a better tribute to my favorite supermom.

--------------------------------------
P.S. Don't forget to enter the "Finish the Comic" contest for your chance to win a lame prize*.

*Prize may not exist.

How to draw a stick figure

2011-05-05T21:04:00.044-05:00

I imagine there is a lot of interest in learning how to draw stick figures. Specifically, how to draw Doug Cheese, the main character in the I Like Cheese comic. I imagine, not know, because no one has ever actually asked me about it. But it seems like something people would be interested in.

So here we go.

Step 1: Head

Step 2: Torso

Step 3: Limbs

Step 4: Invisible Clothing

Step 5: Shoes, fingers and (sometimes) hair

Step 6: Eyes, Nose and Mouth

Step 7: Glasses

Now we have Doug Cheese. Congratulations! There are four more steps to actually making a comic, though.

Step 8: First, clone the guy.

Step 9: Stick him in the comic frame.

Step 10: Set up a lame joke, preferably involving a pun of some sort.

Step 11: Punchline

The thing is, though, I don't feel like coming up with a punchline. So I am holding a contest. Whoever comes up with the best joke in my comments (or heck, finishes the comic and puts it on his own blog - hint, hint) wins a prize to be determined later.

It is probably a lame prize, so don't get excited.

Not taking any crap today, world

2011-05-05T10:24:00.009-05:00

You ever wake up angry?

Sing with me

2011-05-03T06:50:00.002-05:00

The Post With a Helicopter and My Sister-In-Law and a Goat

2011-04-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

I came home from work Wednesday and this helicopter was circling my apartment building. Very low to the ground. Ducking behind buildings. The thing was close enough I probably could have hit it with a rock.

Of course I did not throw a rock at it. It's a police chopper, and there were police all around. With dogs. German shepherd dogs, trained to attack people who throw rocks at police helicopters.

I don't know why the cops were around. Probably looking for somebody is my guess. Not me. I hope so, anyway. I have developed a bad habit of not wearing my seat belt, and it is possible somebody reported me. People are tattletale jerks like that.

I tried to google any news reports dealing with low-flying helicopters, but found nothing. I did find a few shootings in the area, but no fugitives on the loose. One fatal shooting was right next door to where my wife's sister and fiancee used to live. For anonymity's sake I will call them Watrick and Pendy.

And for non-anonymity's sake, I will post the following picture.

Eyes Aross the Internet

2011-04-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

All the cool people are posting pictures of their eyes.

Well, Bryan wants them to.

Here are mine. Enjoy their depth and brilliance. Write odes to them. Memorialize them in song and in YouTube videos. Print out a copy and throw darts at them - I really don't care. I'm only posting this because I felt bad about the eye boob I put in the last post.

All eyes on the Overlord

2011-04-25T23:22:00.001-05:00

There is good news in CheeseLand.

I am now awesome in three new ways. First, I won a limerick contest. First place. I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but I am taking the award and running before the judges change their minds.

Also, I was told I have a lovely blog. Again, I'm not sure how that happened. I mean, by what criteria is my stick-figure crap considered lovely? I think I was given the award by Chanel because if awards are being passed out and I don't get one then I cry like a little girl. I have very little shame.

Let's see, what else happened? I worked a twelve-hour day on Friday. Christina and I are trying to buy a house. I went to San Antonio for Easter weekend. And, oh yeah, I WAS DECLARED OVERLORD OF THE UNIVERSE.

Overlord. That's right. You may now start groveling.

I admit, I'm a little late coming to the overlord business. Bloggers Bryan, Scott and Asha and others all got the job before me, as well as Chanel, who threw it my way. I don't care. I am overlord now.

The gig comes with rules, which seems strange. If I am the lord of all I survey and answerable to no one, who the hell is giving me rules? Alas, the universe is an inscrutable place.

Here be the rules:

1. List three things you would change if you were Overlord.

2. Nominate others for this exalted position, even though there is no way they can do the job as well as Doug Stephens.

I can handle that.

Rule #1

Colors may only be referred to by the following names: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Blue-Green, Purple, Brown, Gray (not Grey), White, Black, and Pink. You may use the descriptors "light" and "dark" when describing these colors, but that's it. There is no such thing as khaki. It is light brown. Aquamarine? Blue-green. Forest green? Nope. Just green. Or dark green. Violet? Don't be weird. It is purple.

Cyan does not exist. Neither does off-white, chalk, chocolate, rose, burgundy or any other color not included in the list above.

Because I said so. And those funky colors piss me off.

Let's keep our colors simple.

Rule #2

No one shall again be addressed as buddy, pal, friend, guy, dude, or man by someone he does not know. That crap irritates me. I'm not your buddy, ugly unshaven person in Wal-Mart. I don't know you, and if I did know you I probably wouldn't like you. Go away.

When addressing an adult whom you don't know well, it is decreed that "Sir" or "Ma'am" is the correct form of address. I should probably make up something for when it is hard to tell a stranger's gender at first glance, but those people are used to being insulted, and therefore it is a waste of my Overlord effort to do so.

This rule only applies when addressing people who are not me, of course. The proper title for your Overlord is "Sir Awesome Overlord of the Entire Universe Even the Parts We Don't Know About Yet And Also You Are Smart and Cool and I Love You."

Rule #3:

I am rescuing Scott from the torture chamber he was thrown into after his stint as overlord and making him my chief of security. For two reasons. One, that guy is crazy, and if folks have to get through him to get to me they might decide to just walk away. And two, I needed an excuse to use this picture.

Bryan the Bald, er . . . Bold, wants to make posting a picture of your eye a "thing." Because Bryan is not the boss of me (I'm the overlord, remember), I asked Scott to send me a picture of his eye so I could post that instead.

This is what I got. Like I said - that guy is crazy.

Not that my eye pic was going to be any better.

Is it an eye or a boob?

Now that my first three decrees are public knowledge, I am going to make a bunch of secret decrees. And not tell anyone what they are. And then punish those who break my secret rules with secret punishments. That's the way we Overlords roll, buddy.

As Rachel, Paul and Katie-Sue will discover for themselves. That's right guys - if you want it, the crown is yours. Use it wisely, my friends.

Random Pic of the Day

I should be a professional model. Seriously.

Are you going out tonight?

2011-04-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

Screw You, WMG

2011-04-18T05:58:00.006-05:00

Ask me how I feel about WMG.

"How do you feel about WMG, Doug?"

Well, I think they like to have nonconsensual sex with farm animals. If I owned a goat I would be in constant fear that reps from WMG give it a venereal disease.

Also, I think they also go around making fun of grandmas and kittens, and that's just not cool.

Jerks

Once upon a time I submitted a video of myself (and a cat) dancing to "Save a Horse Ride A Cowboy" to YouTube. Because I have no trouble making fun of myself.

You see, I do not dance well. The cat doesn't do too bad, but watching me dance can be physically painful. I am usually kind of shy about my dancing. By that I mean I only demonstrate my special skill to people I know well, people I barely know, strangers on the street and anyone who can actually physically see me. I consider it to be a good publicity move for my run for presidential office.

My wedding was a particularly egregious example, but to be fair that may have been the result of the open bar and shots of Patron.

I eventually realized that not everyone in the world will be able to make a trip to Houston one day to see me dance, and there is this cool thing called the Internet... and the masses can rejoice.

Now though, WMG, whoever the heck they are, and whatever they do besides crush the aspiring dancing careers of 30-something white guys, has gotten the video blocked from YouTube. Not just the audio, which I could understand, seeing as how most of the audio was their copyrighted property and I suppose they have a say on how it is used, but the visual part as well. And WMG decidedly does not own my dance moves. Those are all Doug.

I'm not sure why those bozos decided to block my masterpiece. I'm not saying they didn't have the right to do so, but it is a dick move. After thinking about this nonstop for the past two weeks I have narrowed the possibilities down to two.

1) My dancing was so awesome that WMG was worried it overshadowed the song.

or, with a much lower probability, but in the realm of possibility

2) My dancing was so embarrassing they didn't want their song associated with it.

My guess is number one.

Luckily my other original video is still available.

Smoking is For Losers

2011-04-16T20:35:00.001-05:00

Another quick post (I promise I really will get around to putting out some longer material - it's just, you know, stuff is happening in the physical world. Trimming my toenails, alphabetizing my movie collection, and bathing the cats are all too important to neglect for the blogging world), but I saw an invitation for an Anti-Smoking Limerick Contest that, as a smoker and a hypocrite, I just couldn't pass up.

Tobacco will end your life quicker
than hundred proof bootleg malt liquor
Or broken seat belts
Or eating raw smelt
Or attack by a wild rabid flicker.

So if offing yourself is your plan
Keep on puffing away you dumb man
Your corpse will look great
Yellow teeth, wrinkled pate
All the dreams for your life down the can.

Photo credits
Smelt
Flicker

Shake it, shake it for me

2011-04-13T19:02:00.000-05:00

I have a few spare moments with no life-changing decisions to make and no diapers needing changing, so I thought I would share an inmate dancing video. It's not new, but it's new to me.

I love "Footloose."

If you actually watch this, pay attention to the gentleman circled below. He really gets into it. Possibly a little too much.

He's shaking it like he means it.

Also:

RANDOM PIC OF THE DAY

Weird. That's a lot of watches.

And that's all she wrote today, folks. Next time I'm sure I'll provide the insightful and profound social commentary you have come to expect from me.

And fart jokes.

Bringing you some poetry - Cheese-Style

2011-04-05T17:58:00.001-05:00

Second post of the day. Make sure you see the first.

This one is for the Smiley Sociology Study

My Wife is Making See Labyrinth

Creepy Old Guy

In Nineteen Eighty-Six Jim Henson smoked a little weed.
"You know what'd be neat?" he said. "And the Bowie has agreed.
"We need a film with Muppets acting strange as Muppets can.
"And then a younger girl chased after by an older, creepy man."

This movie is bad.
I do not like it.
This movie is wrong.
I do not like it.

The Mistress Cheese adored this crazy thing as a young child.
It filled her childish needs and later drove her teen thoughts wild.
That pervert Bowie was the man who came into her dreams,
I'm not quite sure why - the icky of it makes me want to scream.

This movie is bad.
I do not like it.
This movie is wrong.
I do not like it.

Tonight the Movie Tavern is coming out with retro scenes,
And this the one, of course, my wife insisting that we see.
As much as I despise this film I simply can't deny
the thought of making my wife happy is too great to pass on by.

This movie is bad.
I do not like it.
But I love Christina,
So it doesn't matter.

------------------------------------
But, seriously, out of all the movies showing there, she has to pick this one? I would have chosen Army of Darkness. Or Spaceballs.

The Unshaven Leg and Bobby Blanchard

2011-04-05T11:24:00.001-05:00

Austin, Texas is more than just a place to chase squirrels. I will cover two other aspects of the town.

1. Hippie Feminist Bookstore
2. The Texas Capital and Stuff

The Unshaven Leg

For a lark, Christina and I went into a "woman's bookstore" we found within two minutes of entering the town. I don't remember exactly what it was called, so "The Unshaven Leg" will work for this purpose. I almost didn't enter. The sign on the front door declaring women to be the historical victims of men sort of made it seem like me and my testicles would not be welcome.

But I am man, hear me roar and all. It seemed a biological imperative to invade this place.

Upon entering the first thing I saw was rainbow stickers. To my left there were hippie t-shirts about love and saving the world and other lameness. And behind the counter was a woman giving me a weird look. Not hostile, yet. Maybe she wasn't sure if I was a man. After all, I hadn't spoken and I could have been just an ugly woman. Seriously ugly. But she's a feminist hippie - she wouldn't judge a fellow woman based on the standards men force upon women.

I put on my best smile and waved. "Just doing the tourist thing," I said.

"Oh," hippy chick said with a smile. Apparently she wasn't going to attempt to cut off my testicles. "Where are you guys from?"

"Houston."

"Oh." This time no smile. I didn't push my luck and quit talking. I've heard Houston is not a popular spot for some Austin folk. We are sort of anti-Green. Anti-nice. Anti-weird. Except for around Rice University, the Montrose area, and a few other enclaves, we aren't very cultural.

I started to browse the store before she decided to ask me to leave so she could seduce my wife. I saw those rainbow stickers.

Guess which part of the store I wanted to spend the most time in. Especially after I found Bobby Blanchard, Lesbian Gym Teacher. Erotica written by women for women about women. What's not to like?

Unfortunately, I felt like a pervert hanging out in the Lesbian Erotica section, especially since I was probably being stared at by the sales clerk, and oh yeah, I was holding my infant son.

The rest of the store? Books about empowering women. Being an empowered woman. Being happy when women are empowered and sad when they are not. Strangely, despite what was on the front window, I saw nothing about how all men must die. Also there were some t-shirts, some of them pretty witty, about love and peace and feminism and loving animals and riding bicycles. And kids' books preaching tolerance, which is probably a good thing, but not very effective. I read some of those same books when I was a kid, and now I go around making fun of hippies.

That was my trip to a feminist bookstore. I had never been in one before - I guess I've led a sheltered life. Or possibly the fact that I am the opposite of the demographic they are looking for as customers has kept me away. I would highly recommend that everyone should go into a store like that at least once, so you can buy me a book. You know the kind I'm talking about.

Texas Capital and Stuff

Yeah, I'm not going to talk about that today. Possibly never. If you were looking forward to a bunch of touristy photos, and my opinions on the civil war monument praising the southern states for seceding and the Ten Commandments being prominently displayed, well, you are out of luck. I don't feel like writing all that. Or about how Mrs. Cheese and I disagreed about the Commandments display, and a play-by-play description of our informal debate - you're not getting that either.

I will share one photo though.

Statues of children freak me out.

The Cheese Goes to Austin

2011-04-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

On Saturday the Cheeses took a trip to Austin.

I saw a squirrel.

I snuck up closer to the squirrel.

It tried to get away from me by running through a fence.

But I caught up.

It tried to pretend I wasn't there by drinking some water.

I didn't go away. The squirrel thought to himself, "Maybe if I act like a bear this doofus will get scared and run off."

That didn't work, so it went back to the water.

The water was apparently so good it forgot I was there.
Then it saw me again.

"Is he still there?"

"If I move really slow, he won't see me until I am ready to run. One...two...three..."

"GO!"
It got away from me after disappearing into the tree.

But I wasn't too upset. I found a bird.

And another bird. I don't know what kind it is. What, do I seem like a guy who cares about the proper names of birds and flowers and stuff?

This bird went from calm and collected to ravenously angry, though. I think it wanted to eat my soul.

After that I stayed away from the animals.

And that was my trip to Austin.

Well, there also was some historical stuff.

And of course, the cannons.

Trump? No. Cheese? Yes.

2011-03-30T17:27:00.001-05:00

Donald Trump is making noises about running for the Oval Office.

What a putz.

What kind of person would do that sort of thing just for the publicity?

Just for the record, I would make a much better president than that guy. My hair isn't going to crawl off my head and try to eat you.

Campaign posters I drew all by mysef

2011-03-27T14:41:00.000-05:00

I've been busting my butt and putting all my artistic talent to work coming up with possible campaign posters for my 2012 presidential bid.

I'm not sure, though, how well it is going.

Some feedback would be appreciated.

#1

The next two are buttons for people to grab and put on their own sites - if they are really bored and possibly drunk.

I've pretty much decided to go with the second button. It's already up and ready to be copied. I'm not as smart as my stick figures make me look, so putting up that code box was a pain in the butt. I had to look up how to do it and copy and paste and stuff. I hope you all appreciate the hard work I do for you.

What do you folks think? Which ones are the best? Or, to be more accurate, suck the least? Don't be afraid to throw your own ideas out there. Don't make Rancher Mom do all the work. The future of democracy is depending on you.

Stick men I didn't draw

2011-03-26T20:42:00.000-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

Waving stick man

Stone Age stick man via Wikipedia

Thank you for visiting my lazy Saturday post.

Positions in the Cheese administration filling rapidly

2011-03-24T07:32:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it, I threw my hat in the ring for the presidential election in 2012.
positions
Campaigns cost money. Hence, I bring back one of my old favorites, although it has never - not a single time - brought me in anything, not even a dime. Maybe this time it will work a little better.

Also, I'm a big fan of graft and corruption, so I'm selling presidential appointments.

The following positions are already filled.

Vice President - Candice
Secretary of Energy - Johann
Secretary of Education - Brent*
Financial Figure-Outer-Person - Rancher Mom
Speaker to the House of Cynicism - Scott
Ambassador to the Bahamas - Bunched
Public Relations Coordinator - Chanel

*Scott wanted SecEd, but I'd already offered it to Brent. Sucks to be Scott.

Still open, however, is everything from White House intern to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. All it takes is donations, people. As you can see, you can even make up your own job title like Johann did. Secretary of Energy - that's a good one.

I'm worried about my future V.P. Below, I stuck a picture of her in with a few past Vice-Presidents. There are some scary, evil-looking guys here. It makes me worry about her motivations. I'm afraid her husband wants to be First Gentleman and they might try to talk me into riding an open car in a parade or something.

Scary people.

Not going to happen Candice. Once elected I'll probably never leave my underground bunker.

Vote for President Cheese

2011-03-21T04:16:00.000-05:00

On my recent trip to the White House (I didn't mention it before because these trips are commonplace for me) Barry asked me to sit in an interview with him.

Again.

It gets pretty tiring being a public figure, but I figure putting on a show for the cameras is the least I can do for you little people.

At this point we were arguing over who smelled it and who dealt it.

Aside from asking my advice on all the important topics of the day - not Libya or Japan, because I know nothing about those, but how to find a good drive-thru restaurant and why socks always end up missing from every load of laundry - Obama asked me if I would consider running for his job someday.

The hours are long, he said, but you do get to make appearances on Letterman, which makes the whole thing worthwhile.

My first reaction was "Hell no, Barry. Stay away from that reefer," but after thinking about it for awhile I realized that "President Doug" has a nice ring to it.

What I would like as President Cheese. With a soul patch.

So I'm throwing my hat in the ring and announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. The 2012 elections are coming up and I'll need to start campaigning soon.

I'm going to need some donors, a web site, volunteers, a spiffy new hat (because I'm bring back the fedora), maybe a political platform of some sort, and an official photographer to follow me around and document the campaign. Also, I'm selling advertising space, like NASCAR drivers. For a measly $10,000 I'll plaster your product name across the front of my shirt. Think of all the exposure you'll get every time I show up on the news.

This will work, people. Donate now and I'll make sure to get you a nice position in my administration. Ever wanted to be Postmaster General? Now's your chance.

"I'm bringing back fedoras and corruption. Bribes accepted here." Sound like a pretty decent campaign slogan to me.

ILC Celebrity of the Day - Kermit the Frog

2011-03-18T21:18:00.000-05:00

Kermit is the star of such YouTube sensations as "Wild Thing - The Ukulele version,

and The Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody (although he doesn't show up until the last ten seconds).

Johann the Cabbie recently showed this video on his blog, but I knew about it before then. Really, I did. Believe me.

I think Kermit may also have been on a television show or two. Anyone know anything about that?

Who is Doug Stephens?

2011-03-15T21:29:00.000-05:00

The world wants to know about Doug Stephens. I don't blame them - he's a pretty interesting guy.

Mom didn't make any ugly sons. Except for Joe.

I get thousands of e-mails every day of people asking me to share a little bit about myself, or in some cases, of myself.

"Doug, you are the funniest guy ever, and I wish I were a woman so I could bear your child," wrote Bryan White.

"Please tell me about the early influences in your life so I can guide my future son along the same path as you," begged Paul Blanchard.

"Write about a funny experience you've had so I can live vicariously through you," said Candice.

"If you started a religion," mused Johann the Cabbie, "I would give up being an atheist and start worshiping you."

Asha wrote, "I want to be your official biographer. I feel your story is worth sharing with the world."

And so on, ad nauseum. I've haven't really shared much about the fantasticness that is Doug because I haven't had a excuse to burden your lives with the fact that you aren't me - but now I do. Chanel recently gave me an award for being the best blogger in the history of the world, and in accepting the award I am supposed to share details of my life

So who is Doug? First off, I am not the only Doug Stephens. A quick check at whitepages.com found 257 people with my name in the U.S. of A.

The stick man represents the important Doug. Info from White Pages

Most of those Dougs are not me. In fact, only one one them is. The important one. The one who drew a comic based on a bratty comment his future wife made and decided he was going to expand it into a whole series of badly-drawn comics and a blog which says a lot of nothing and says it moderately well.

I'm thinking of writing the rest of them and asking them to change their names to something less awesome so I don't have to share.

What do you need to know about only Doug that matters? Well, he comes in many flavors:

Cowboy Doug

John and I just strung up some rustlers.

Adreneline Junkie Doug

I wasn't even scared a little. Nor did I throw up later.

Monkey Doug

It's cute when monkeys smoke.

Dancing Doug

I taught Travolta everything he knows. Except the lame stuff - he picked that up on his own.

Soccer Star Doug

Who knew Young Doug would turn into the incredible sexiness of Now Doug?

Doug the International Man of Mystery

Because airport pictures are the most interesting pictures.

Doug the Cat Whisperer

Ninja cats sneak up when I sleep.

What else is there to say? I suppose I could tell you I once performed in a circus. It's not true, but I could say that. I also could say I make a pretty decent vegetarian chili. While true, that's not nearly as interesting as the circus thing.

If I wrote a book it would have something sci-fi in it, if I started a band we would play classic rock covers, and if I were an animal I would be a rattlesnake - I'd stay in my dark hole minding my own business at night, sun on my rock during the day, and if someone messed with me I'd sink my teeth into him (there you go Rachel - I was hoping to shoehorn that in here somewhere).

To sum up, Doug Stephens is a pretty darn spectacular example of kickass human being, and if you don't think so my mom says it's because you are jealous.

As further proof of my greatness, look at the fortune I got out of a cookie tonight.

Hard to argue with that, isn't it?

Bob Saget Responds To Your Comments

2011-03-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

Bob Saget read the comments you guys left after he hosted I Like Cheese for a day.

Bob Saget is not pleased.

He demanded to host another day, and, frankly, the man scares the crap out of me so I gave in without argument. I don't want to piss him off. Like you guys did.

Yesterday may or may not have been his best work (it wasn't) but he was hobbled by my restriction against the f-bomb, and by the fact that he just isn't funny without a massive amount of cussing.

Also, you made him cry. I hope you are happy with yourselves.

Here is Bob's response to your comments. Remember, this is Bob speaking. Not me. Personally, I think your comments were spot on. That post did kind of suck.

I Like Cheese Comic - The One With Bob Saget

2011-03-12T19:02:00.001-06:00

CBS announces replacement for Charlie Sheen

2011-03-10T21:09:00.001-06:00

The other day Leslie Moonves gave me a call.*

"Hey, D-Money, what's up? Got a question for you."

That's the way Les talks.

I should probably explain that Les is always calling me. Non-stop. "What'd you think of that Laker's game?" "Are you and Mrs. Cheese going to come over for dinner with me and Julie some time this week?" "What show should we put in our 7 o'clock slot?"

Me and Les. Well, not really.

It gets annoying. No matter how many times I tell him I'm not giving him any more advice until I see a paycheck from CBS with my name on it, he keeps calling.

It got to the point where I was actively trying to sabotage his network. Boy, did that backfire.

Les: "You remember that creep Chuck Lorre, right? You met him during that wicked weekend in Cabo. Anywho, he's pitching me this show about four genius roommates trying to make it in the big city and shit, yo. What do you think?"

Me: "Sounds good, Les. But make sure you make them as nerdy as possible. No personalities- just straight nerd. Remember Urkel from Family Matters? Like that, but less realistic. Throw in a bimbo across the hall and a couple of running jokes and you've got yourself a show."

And now we have Big Bang Theory.

Then there was: "The Chuckburger's got another one for me, D-Doggie-Dougmeister. We got an overweight cop and his girlfriend dealing with the problems of life."

"Okay, but no serious stuff. Make sure you pack it with cheap fat jokes and take away all traces of personality. Oh, then throw in a bimbo sister and a token black guy. Guaranteed winner."

And such begat Mike and Molly, which for some reason hasn't been canceled yet.

And let's not forget the fateful conversation which let to all the current tomfoolery at CBS.

"Martin's boy wants to do a show. Chuckster is all for it, but, like, he ain't got no ideas. What you got for me, Diddly D-Man?"

"First, Charlie Sheen can't really act, so just cast him as a rich, drunk womanizer who has to support his brother and nephew. Make sure there is no character development throughout the run of the series. Neither of the men, nor the kid, can develop into real people. You need a shrew of an ex-wife somewhere, and, heck, a shrew of a mother, too. Throw in a lot of bimbos, maybe a stalker, and then tell the same jokes over and over and over and over and, well, you get the idea."

The rest is tiger blood history.

This has nothing to do with this post

Which leads us back to my recent phone call. Les was in a quandary. What to do with the Martian rock star? That show makes a lot of money, but Mr. Sheen being a dipshit was really messing up its karma. And as always, when Les can't make a decision, he called me.

I was not in a good mood.

"Fire his ass."

"But that ain't fly, homeskittle. Without Charlie I don't have a show."

"The show is property of CBS, with or without Charlie Harper, and if you keep the franchise viable, possibly with a star of equal stature as a replacement, you can keep the financial success of your enterprise viable."

"Huh?"

"Sorry. Forgot who I was talking to. Replace his ass and keep raking in the benjamins."

"Kool."

And that of course led to the next question: who could fill Charlie Harper's shoes? I suggested Bob Saget.

"Already asked him. He told me to bleep my bleep with a bleeping bleep. Jerk."

Dustin Diamond?

"Looking at his hair makes me feel funny on the inside."

Luke Perry?

Too gay.

Neil Patrick Harris?

Not gay enough.

Trooper Thorn?

Too manly.

Bryan White?

(mocking laughter)

I'm guessing this is the only pic in the world with these three guys. You can see them individually here, here and here.

"I'm out of ideas, then, Les. Do your own skullwork."

"Hey, I've got an idea! This is so good it is better than good. Peeps are gonna love this!"

I was scared to ask, but unfortunately he didn't wait to be asked.

"You do it, Doug! You are awesome and great and good-looking and everyone loves you, even more than Raymond! Will you please do me a solid and take over Two and a Half Men for me?"

No.

"Please?"

No.

"I will pay you $6 million per episode."

Well...

"And I ain't not going to never call youse ever again."

(after doing the mental arithmetic - that's a triple negative...)

"Deal."

So you heard it here first, folks. CBS has chosen a replacement for Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men. It is I. I'm going to start practicing my drinking and snorting and shooting and general douchbaginess.

I'm not wearing those shorts, though.

*This conversation only happened in my head. Hopefully the stick man pictures gave you a clue.

Sometimes I play dress-up

2011-03-07T23:20:00.000-06:00

At work my duties are sort of undefined. I am the paperwork guy and the money guy, but I also pull stints as a delivery driver, salesman, gofer, repair technician, warehouse supervisor, and any other thing which comes along. We're a small company, and since somehow I wound up as part-owner, I end up doing a little of everything.

When I know what I'll be doing on a particular day I might dress for the occasion.

No, not dress up like this other blogger who is so young he hasn't quite figured out why his bed is sticky when he wakes up.

Charles. Isn't he sweet?

What I mean is usually I dress like this:

I wear a polo shirt and blue jeans. It looks presentable enough for most situations.

If I know that I'll be doing mostly manual labor, though, I'll wear a t-shirt instead.

Sometimes, if there is an important meeting where I have to go kiss a potential client's backside, I'll wear one of those dressy shirts with buttons and some nice slacks. Maybe even a tie.

Rarely there is some fancy dinner to attend, where I sample the free alcohol, dance my white man dance and leave before I have to talk to anyone. I have a suit for that.

No matter what I wear I am my same awesome self. I don't think my behavior changes much with my wardrobe. What does change is the way people treat me.

When I wear khakis with my normal polo, instead of jeans, I get treated a little better.

The dress shirt gets me the respect of a business man.

My customers treat me like trash when I wear a t-shirt. I am scum in their eyes.

And when I wear the suit I get attention I don't particularly want.

Why do we put so much focus on what a person wears? I do it myself. Someone who dresses nicely gets more attention and respect from me than a slob. I once saw a homeless guy wearing a tie. He got a buck out of me,and that almost never happens. I am a stingy SOB, but the tie impressed me.

That wasn't a rhetorical question. I want to know. Does this happen to everyone, or is it just me and my fevered imagination? Why DO we react to a person's clothing instead of to the person? Why should we care if someone is wearing a shirt with a collar? And why does a suit make me look so damn sexy?

These are the questions that keep me awake in the middle of the day.

Crazy like Sheen and February didn't suck

2011-03-04T19:50:00.002-06:00

Before I get to February, I have news to announce. I won a contest.

Fine, I was the only person to enter, but still ... I won a contest. My "prize" was the creation of my very own demotivational posters.

Normal version

"He's crazy like Charlie Sheen" version

Okay, on to February.

I'm a few days overdue, mostly due to the whining post I put up the other day where I cried like a five-year-old girl about this mean lady who was picking on me.

But don't let the delay fool you. February was a ground-breaking month here at "I Like Cheese." We (and by "we" I mean "I," but "we" sounds more impressive) had a record number of page views. Thanks to Google. Somehow my Droids post and that stupid monkey post finally got the recognition they deserve in the search rankings, and there were hundreds of folks who searched for "weird monkey pics" and got me. Or one really lonely guy who searched hundreds of times. Either way it adds up to hits.

The Monkey post was just a joke, really. Back in July when I started posting on Blogger, I was still trying to keep up the site where I originally posted my comic strip. I was putting up duplicate blog posts, not knowing that hurt page rankings, and I realized that at a few sites where my work is syndicated there isn't always an easily-found link back to me. By throwing together a list of every early post I had written, I was ensuring that somehow and someway people might be able to find me. The result was dull and boring, but I figured monkeys always liven up the place.

As such:

From some guy's Flickr stream. Cutest damn thing ever.

Besides Google, I have Bryan White's Time Travel Month to thank for a large number of hits. Mirroring the posts from nuclearheadache was both fun and mind-numbing. A few other folks got in on the action, most notably Rhyming Rachel and Atypical Scott. Chanel even contributed - after a little prodding - and Asha was distracted from lusting over her soon-to-be-home husband long enough to tell us what she would tell her past-self if she ever got the chance.

I almost feel bad about horning in on Bryan's idea. His posts were always thought-provoking and well researched, and mine were just, well, cheesy. I almost feel bad. It was nice not having to come up with my own ideas from scratch.

My two favorite time travel posts were Bryan's Correspondence With My Future Self and Mary's "What if I Could...", a poem about not changing a thing, even if the chance was there for the taking. Oh, and of course my own epic masterpiece, "If I Had a Time Machine," which would be fairly described as the best homage poem in the history of mankind.

The Cool Kids Time Travel Club button above has a list of everyone's posts who played along. If I missed anyone just give me a shout at boss@iloveilikecheese.com.

Oh, and my favorite time travel related comment didn't even make the club. I was looking for ideas and asking everyone what would be a good use for a hypothetical time machine. A fellow named Agit8r said,

"There's always that one that got away, so why not go back and put a rift in her space-time continuum ."

In case you couldn't tell - that's funny stuff right there.

Now, even considering all the hits I got this month from the help of Google and The Club, I still didn't get any love for Looking In, Looking Out. C'mon, people, who doesn't want to look at a grainy picture of two cats? Sadly, I don't think this one will ever get its just accolades.

In other news, I gave out the "Your Blog Doesn't Suck" award to deserving folk this month. I plan to give out some more in March. I am now accepting bribes. Send them by paypal to the above e-mail address. I also accept cookies.

Funniest Crap I Saw All Month: Dropping the Douce. I'm guessing the url for "deuce," was taken. Basically, it is just crudely drawn pieces of poop. I don't know why this is funny to me, but it probably indicates some undiagnosed mental disorder.

Funniest new blog I found: Notice Your World. The dude attracts skunks. Weird yes, but definitely readable.

I put up a new post at Made Up Words: It was Santorum. Feel free to Google it.

Charlie Sheen Went Crazy: Okay, that wasn't even mentioned here in February, but it happened.

Charlie Sheen invades the Sunday Comics

I posted the best love song of all time: It was on Valentines Day. No one noticed or cared. I am sad.

Feel sorry for me.

I told the best joke of all time: Seriously.

And that is pretty much February in a nutshell. Now don't you feel silly for checking in here periodically? You could have just waited and gotten the whole monthly experience in one dose.

But what fun is that?

Feeding My Head and the Decline of Civilization

2011-03-03T11:45:00.000-06:00

Someone thinks I am a pervert.

First, let me say that I do not have sex with dogs.
Also, I do not approve of human/dog sexual relationships in any form.

Or with other animals, for that matter. Or plants. Or rocks. Or sand, although I have been violated sexually by sand any number of times. Those happenings were not of my choosing and I do not believe they should be counted against my inanimate-object virgin status.

Now while I believe most people aren't running around sticking it to, or getting stuck by, their pets, most of us realize that this sort of thing happens.

In fact, it's been happening for a long time.

Wikipedia has some weird stuff

Wikipedia has a lot of weird stuff

After I mocked those Arizona perverts who got got caught attempting to solicit dog sex, I posted in my favorite forum, you know the one I pimped for a few posts back? The one I said was so wonderful and fun and happy-making?

Innocent thread post on BlogCatalog.

I then went about my business and didn't think much of it. When I checked on the thread later that day I found that the Harridan of BlogCatalog had attacked me.

She basically said that my post was contributing to the decline of the discussion board, Western society, morals, and the stock market. That because of me, Global Warming was going to melt the ice caps and drown us all. Because of my post, millions of children in third-world countries were starving. I had single-handedly killed God, and I was responsible for the coming death of the Universe and Life Itself.

Wow. I know I'm a badass and everything, but that seems far-fetched.

Okay, maybe she only mentioned the discussion board, but the rest was implied.
Oh, yes. It was implied.

She must think I invented the concept of animal-love.

Then she went on to say she had reported by post (because she is not only the self-appointed morals-enforcer, but a stinky little tattle-tail) and that she was ignoring me from then on.

Now, in all honesty, the ignoring me thing . . .that's awesome. This woman is an annoying gadfly. You know the type. Always knows more on a subject than you. Quotes "Terms of Service." Talks about how she was beat-up as a kid because she was "obviously superior stock." And she is a paralegal who wishes ever-so-badly that she was a lawyer.

But as much as a harridan as she is, she has provided me with two things.

1) My first hate comment, other than thepoopeater, who doesn't count.
2) The image of people feeding my head.

I''ll have to admit, this blogging thing has literally created a hinge on the side of my head, which I use to open so it can demand to be fed by all of you with a deep voice - like the plant in The Little Shop of Horrors.

Those of you who write blogs I read are feeding me. Those of you who comment on what I post are feeding me. And that makes you all equally guilty of the Decline of Everything Important.

Shame on you.

Lassie in leather. With a whip. "ON YOUR KNEES!"

2011-02-28T18:20:00.001-06:00

Here's the story:

It looks like I don't know how to spell sheriff.

The link - but I think the pictures pretty much tell the story. Oh, except that the first pervert caught in the sting was a middle school teacher.

And, did you know, Arizona hasn't always had bestiality laws on the books? It used to be okay, as long as it wasn't done in the presence of someone who objected. Well, maybe not "okay," but at least not illegal.

Those crazy Arizona people. Always up to something.

Because no one else will search for "first date poop stickman."

2011-02-27T05:35:00.001-06:00

Bloggers like to promote our stuff. Because we want people to actually see our stuff. And a comment or two is nice. You know, just some kind of validation for the hard work we put in.

Well, other people and their hard work. I throw my crap together in about five minutes.

We have to promote because the chances of someone hitting your blog in a Google search really aren't that great. Although someone did once find me by plugging in "first date poop stickman." I understand how that lead him to me, but I'm not sure why any sane person would be looking for that in the first place. "First date" - that's a reasonable search. "Poop" - again, that is understandable. I may have searched for poop once or twice myself. But "stickman?" Why would someone want to read about that?

As for someone finding "I Like Cheese" by typing a random url - well, it just isn't going to happen. I have just about the dumbest url ever.

That leaves miscellaneous methods of promotion. Joining blogging groups, giving out chain-letter-esque awards, leaving self-promoting and tasteless comments on other peoples' blogs, trying to start your own time travel club - these are all things that work to some extent.

Do you know what is not an awesome way to self-promote? Not even a little bit?

Being a spammer on the Facebook discussion board for NetworkedBlogs.

Before I joined NetworkedBlogs I was (and still am) somewhat active in the Blogcatalog discussion board. People actually have real conversations. They debate stuff. They call each other names (sometimes), and create fake gender-switching identities (once that I know of), but for the most part it is a fun place to spend a little time.


The button I designed for BlogCatalog. They have yet to adopt it.

You are free to drop a link to your recent post there if you like, but it's usually done with a soft-sell approach.

For example, this might be a discussion-starter:

"What do you guys think is the right thing to do if you are ever confronted by a cross-dressing security guard who wrongfully accuses you of molesting a duck?

Here's what I think at blahblahblah.com."

(Not real - but some of the stuff really is that crazy.)

Then folks actually comment about what they would do in that, or a comparable, situation. And some will click the link and see what you had to say about that unsubstantiated charge of duck abuse.

Not so at this other place. If you try to start a discussion, or create a thread about anything at all, it gets spammed by suckass losers who do nothing but paste in their stupid and usually misspelled plea for you to visit the crapfests they call blogs.

Here is an example of what I am talking about. I started a thread with the admittedly self-promotional purpose of getting people to visit one of my posts.

Where's the etiquette? I understand you are at that site for the same reason I am - whoring out your blog - but you should at least have the courtesy to pretend you give a rat's bunghole about me. Because, when you come down to it, it IS all about me. Not you.

As an experiment, after capturing the last discussion in a screen shot, I posted a new thread, in which I mentioned spamming, and sat around to see how long it took before it got spammed.

Less than 45 seconds. I kid you not.

Oh, look! He put a smiley face! That makes me want to "Like" his stupid crap.

This pudpuller doesn't want us to look at his blog, he wants us to look at his six different fan pages. But since he said it would only take a few seconds... I said forget it and instead went and took a Manuel and wiped my Marino. I made sure to flush afterwards.

Does anyone think he will really get readers by acting like this? Why the diddly-darn-it-to-heck will I, or anyone else, want to check out your link? If you go around acting like a spamming robot, and can't even give the semblance of being a rational, thoughtful human being, you aren't someone I want to read or follow or like or share.

Basically, if you take anything away from this post, you should realize being a santorum-licking, spamming douchebag isn't going to get you many page hits, and that human-type people using the discussion at NetworkedBlogs is a waste of time. Usually. I have found a few good folks there, including Asha, Bryan, and Rhyming Rachel, and I've run across a few others I first saw on BlogCatalog, such as Rico Swaff and that crazy Recovering Cynic woman with her posts like My Brother's Boner, but for the most part, unless you are into seeing all the possible permutations of, "Mind you to follow and visit my blog?" I'd stay away from that place.

NetworkedBlogs, the application itself, is actually not a bad way to follow other blogs. It is just the discussion feature which makes me angrier than, well, I can't think of a good analogy. Madder than someone who is really mad.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I Like Cheese 2-27-2010 - All Right

2011-02-26T23:02:00.000-06:00

Thank you, Trey, for telling me this horrible joke.

Understanding Relativity - Time Travel Month

2011-02-24T07:30:00.002-06:00

Also, for your viewing pleasure...

Hopefully you now understand relativity.

Class dismissed.

----------------------------------
Time Travel Month - All the cool kids are doing it.
Some of them even know about the "science and stuff" kind of relativity.

Grant Me the Serenity

2011-02-22T07:05:00.002-06:00

My next post in my Time Travel series isn't about time travel. I know, that makes no sense. You're just going to have to deal with it. I couldn't come up with a good idea involving serenity and the topic of the month - just lots of crappy ideas.

My best crappy idea was: "Grant me the serenity to deal with the fact this post is not about time travel."


This has nothing to do with the rest of the post. I just liked it. I modified it slightly to fit into my blog's PG-13 format.

Which is okay, it gives me a chance to deal with some housekeeping issues. Before I get to that, though, I would like to remind you, Constant Reader, that if you have not already joined the Cool Kids Time Travel Club, it is not too late.

All right. Onwards!

I won a couple of awards recently.

and

The first was really no surprise to those who know me well. Winning one for useful information on the other hand would have been a shocker. Almost as big a surprise as winning an award for having style. Candice and Bryan both have no sense of style themselves if they are vesting me with that one.

For some reason there are rules to the silly style award. For once I suppose I will follow them. Sort of. I'm supposed to share seven things about myself, and pass this thing on ten times. Now, just because I got the award twice doesn't mean I am going to tell fourteen things. That would be silly.

Seven things about Doug you may or may not know

1. I have no known allergies.
2. Bees and wasps scare the crap out of me.
3. As a newspaper reporter I once interviewed a U.S. Senator, but I didn't know who he was at the time.
4. I sell soda for a living.
5. My favorite ice cream flavor is Neapolitan.
6. I write a blog called "I Like Cheese."
7. I like cheese.

Now, as a good little rule-follower, I need to send out this nifty little award to other more-deserving blogs than mine. I'm not going to pass it on twenty times, although I am giving out twice the amount I though I was supposed to give for one award. You see, I already designed the monstrosity of an award I am passing out, and I remembered incorrectly that it was supposed to go out seven times. So instead of twenty, it goes out fourteen. But rather than doing it fourteen individual times, let's do it all at once in one gargantuan award.

Most awesome award ever.

After much deliberation, I finally decided I'm sending this big honking thing out to Karen at A Blog Day Afternoon. Her style is simple. I like that. Congrats, Karen!

That out of the way, I have one more award to dish out to unsuspecting folks. The coveted "Your Blog Doesn't Suck" Award.

Mary gets it for her wonderful post "What if I could..." It was one of the best things I have read in a while.
Rachel Hoyt deserves it for "Be More Gay."
Bryan White (or it is Adams?) wins it for writing a great piece called "Correspondence With My Future Self."
Eschell wins it (and not ironically, although it could be thought so, considering number four on my list) for "Soda is not our friend."
And along the same lines, Supermom get the final award of the day for "How To Get Over A Breakup."

If you are not included in today's award round-up, don't feel sad. It doesn't mean you suck. You might suck, don't get me wrong, but lots of people who don't suck aren't getting this award today. I just arbitrarily decided to stop at five. It is my award, I can do that if I want.

Housekeeping done, I should be back on the time travel track next time with "Trying to Understand Relativity (part 8). Considering the fact that I never wrote parts one through seven, that might prove difficult.

Don't worry about me, though. I'm sure I'll figure out something.

----------------------------------------
"Grant Me the Serenity" comes in four styles. You've read Cheesy. You should try Butterfly-y, Spaceship-y, and Shout out to Ricky-y.

If I Had a Time Machine

2011-02-20T00:26:00.001-06:00

The Temporal Influence

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
over the improbables of locomotion in temporal form,
while I fretted, nearly crying, suddenly there came a sighing,
as of someone dying, dying at my downstairs door.
'Tis my cat," I muttered, "sighing at my downstairs door -
Only this and nothing more."

Again I heard this raspy breathing, as if one had taken beating,
till the noise did draw me off my chair and towards the door.
When I got there - quite surprising - it was man and he was dying
Sprawled across the threshold and bleeding on my floor.
A strange garbed man prone and pouring life upon my floor.
Cleaning up would be a chore.

"Who you be?" I queried meekly as the form did struggle weakly
And gasped its breathless breathing even meaner than before.
But speak it did, that queerest creature of the clothes of strangest feature.
"My name's Doug," it said politely, "And I know what went before,
I know you pine forever for the one you call Lenore."
Then he paused and spoke no more.

How could he know of she for whom I'd give up living free,
That goddess of my heart, more so than Troyish tart of Yore?
That secret name of lust and love which is known by none but He above?
"Speak now, you wretched wreck," I told that man there by my door,
"What know ye of timeless love shared by me and my Lenore?"
I said this and nothing more.

This man then stirred and turned to me and freely did begin to speak
An unseemly tale of like that which was never heard before.
He spoke of moving freely through continuums of being
Not of space or distance but through times of ancient lore.
The times, he said, he passed through not just once but many more,
But now he traveled nevermore.

He paradoxed a mess of no return he did confess.
And now it seemed the world will die and live no ever more.
It was his great endeavor, he said, to fairly forecast weather
But ran into a problem time had never known before,
He met himself coming out of Chronos's temporal door
And we're gone forever more.

Now he has quite vanished - he of tale outlandish,
That man of strangest robe who spoke to me of my Lenore.
But if he spoke words truly then it is plain I have a duty
Before our world is gone and no more rests on heaven's shore.
I must tell you of the love and grace of she I love - Lenore.
For she is gone and nevermore.

------------------------
This post in a parallel universe.
Time Travel Month!

Of Fortune Tellers and Predestination

2011-02-16T19:10:00.002-06:00

There is a fact you may not know about me.

I can tell the future.

You scoff, but it is the truth. When the phone rings, sometimes I know who is on the other end. Occasionally I start humming a song and it's the next one on the radio. Before every episode of The Big Bang Theory I predict that it is going to suck - and I am always right.

I'm not always sure how things are going to play out - that's the multiverse at work, always merging and messing stuff up - but I can give you what I consider the odds of a future event happening.

Therefore, I feel it is my duty to the world to give you the "I Like Cheese Future Stuff That Might Happen In The Next 50 Years Because I Said So," and the Vegas odds of each item on the list.

1. The Sun will or will not come up every morning.

99.99%

2. Asimov Robots will replace the human workforce.

25% - Even if we get these robots, they'll probably form a union, and then we'll never get any work out of them.

3. Humans will colonize the moon.

5% - We will be too busy watching reality television to actually do anything this productive.

4. The United States will go to war with Canada.

99.99% - In 2025 there will be a worldwide shortage of Canadian Bacon, so we will have no choice but to invade in order to secure our supply of this life-sustaining ambrosia.

5. Somewhere, some place, every day, a man will have to pause on a road trip so a woman can stop to pee.

100% - Women, with their peanut-sized bladders, have to pee a lot.

6. Monkeys will fly out of my butt.

1% - Monkeys can't fly.

7. The I Like Cheese Comic and Blog will win a Pulitzer Prize.

98.97% - I mean, have you read this stuff? It is groundbreaking.

8. Orange juice will replace milk as the cereal mixer of choice.

78% - After Florida conquers the rest of the United States in the Geriatric Wars it will impose this beverage on the rest of us.

9. Rats will supplant humans as the dominant species on earth.

12% - This probably won't happen for at least another 75 years.

10. A member of the U.S. Congress will get caught having sexual relations with a monkey.

0% - Monkeys have higher standards than that.

There you have it. It might be a good idea for you to print out a copy of this list and check on its accuracy in the year 2061. You are going to have a big I-Told-You-So waiting for you.

All right, so knowing what the future is going to bring you (ex. the American-Canadian War) is interesting, but how does this tie in to Time Travel Month? Well, it's sort of like one of those paradox things.

In time travel, if you know something is going to happen, and you go back to 1985 to change it, and that results in the happening never having happened, when it becomes 2011 again why do you need to go back to 1985? You don't need to. So you don't. But then did you ever go back and unhappen the happening? What's happening? I have no clue.

Now here in this post I have given you true tellings of fortune. Let's say that you are a Canadian-American (I'm sorry) and you are aghast at the idea of American troops in Toronto having their way with Canadian snowbunnies. Having read this post, you do everything in your power to avert the events of 2025. And you succeed.

If that is so, here in 2011 I won't be able to predict that future war, eh? So I don't. But I did. Therefore, if we are avoiding paradoxes, then you won't be able to stop the senseless killing of hosers. The war will happen. It's predestined. I have read the future to you, and you are unable to do anything to affect it.

So there.

If I were you I'd be developing a taste for OJ. Those Floridians can be ruthless.

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This post available with a picture of a big blue ball.

Most Romantic Love Song - Cheese-Style

2011-02-14T23:26:00.002-06:00

In honor of St. Valentine and his day, I present to you the most romantic love song in the history of the world.

It was performed by that master of the love ballad, Mr. Adam Sandler.

Crazy Love

Possible Methods (Time Travel Month)

2011-02-14T21:56:00.000-06:00

Here is the next post in my slightly-so-faithful matching of Bryan White's Time Travel Month.

Since I have absolutely no idea what might be considered likely methods (or even unlikely) for a to-be-invented time machine, I've decided to go with my favorite time machines from the movies. They could be possible. I mean, if we are accepting a multiverse theory where everything that can happen does happen, then somewhere these machines could exist.

Right.

But, anyway, here are some of my favorites.

1. The DeLorean - Back to the Future

The DeLorean is such an iconic time travel device that it is hard to imagine it just being a car. Sometimes I get up to 88 mph when I am driving. Just in case.

2. Flying DeLorean - Back to the Future II

Who doesn't want to hover convert? "Roads? Where we are going we don't need (dramatic pause) roads."

3. Railed Time Car - Time Cop

This contraption hurls you at a brick wall at about Mach 5. Pretty awesome.

4. Hot Tub - Hot Tub Time Machine

The most realistic time travel device. Ever.

5. Klingon Bird of Prey - Star Trek IV

First, steal one from some stupid Klingons. Then take this bad boy and slingshot it around the sun at Warp 15 or something. Then save a whale. Okay, the whale part was lame.

6. Phone Booth - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

The best part about a phone booth as a time machine? If it breaks you can repair it with bubble gum.

Although I don't think Dr. Who ever resorted to gum.

7. The Time Machine from The Time Machine 2002

Needs no explanation. It's just cool looking.

Of course, this is by no means a definite list of time dislocation methods. I found a huge list of movies involving time travel of some sort. I'm kind of interested in watching Josh Kirby... Time Warrior!

Oh, the worst method of time travel? A mailbox. I mean, seriously, a freaking mailbox?

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Celebrate Time Travel Month!
Read a truly cheesy version of this post.